To the other side of somewhere

 I have killed myself more times than I can count... And every time I do it, I wonder... Would it work in reality?  Would it hurt like it hurts in my mind...?

 I know he was just kidding but... It kinda made me feel like I definitely don't belong...

 Is this a dangerous game I'm playing...? And, if so... How dangerous is it?

 Would you replace your current obsession with a past one?  With an obsession you already put, somewhat, behind you? I don't know if I am being offered that but it felt like that and I was just wondering...

How did I let myself do this? I'm spinning out of control, and I have nothing to break the fall... There's no up or down... Am I incapable of controlling myself...? Am I incapable of shutting this off...? I can't do this all over again... I should have surrendered to the darkness when I had the opportunity... This is stupid Just stop

 My new crush could be my undoing...  And I'm crushing hard... There are no promises, there is no indication of anything more than friendship... There is really nothing there... Yet I long for his words...  When morning comes, I cannot keep sleeping, I just want to talk to him... I feel I just trapped myself again... He is kind, silly, nice, like sugar... And I'm trapped... And when he does not answer, I feel lost... This obsession... How long will it take to disappear...? Do I even want it to disappear...? There is nothing there... Yet I long for him... I long for his attention... I'm addicted to his sugar... I long for that emptiness... I should stop... I know I have to stop... Why can't I stop?