To the other side of somewhere

 The fact that nobody understands why I'm crying makes it hurt more... Nobody seems to understand that I truly love him and that ending things is breaking my heart... Worst thing is, it's all my fault anyway... I broke his heart and I broke mine and I'm supposed to be ok because it was my choice anyway... I should be ok because it was my decision to leave... I have no right to hurt, I have no right to ask for forgiveness, I have no right to be crying and I have no right to be comforted...  It was all my fault... From the very beginning it was all my fault... And I should just shut up and deal with the consequences...  I made this mess... I don't deserve anything... I'll cry when no one is around and pretend to be ok when there's someone... I'll cry in silence when necessary and evade questions and conversations...  I'll die in silence...

 I made a mistake.... Tell me I didn't make a mistake... Tell me I didn't just hurt someone who loved me truly... Tell me I deserve to be happy... Tell me I'm not a mistake... Please... Please... Just tell me and I'd believe you... Make me feel better although I don't deserve it... I don't deserve to be helped, to be happy, to live... But I'd believe you... I'd believe you because I can't go to the kitchen and grab the knife...  And I can't turn back time to unhurt him... Just, please... Tell me I didn't make a mistake...

 So, I forgot all about that stupid thing...  I really should kill myself... I'm useless... So fucking useless... And this anxiety is gonna kill me too... And, yes, it's all my fault...

 I wonder if my new friend would do the same as he did... Be super attentive and friendly and talkative while on the chase, but once he achieves what he wants, that would be the end of that... I wonder... Like a friend said to me: some men just enjoy the thrill of the hunt...

 Who would have thought a conversation, not even a flirty one, would have the power to end it all? Love is never enough...

 So, I think we finally reached the end... He can't trust me, and apparently after the screenshots, I gave him more reasons not to... And there can't be a relationship without trust, it's what I told him... So, for me, this is the end... There is no saving this... But... I'm pretty sure he won't end the relationship because he needs me... He doesn't love me, he just needs me until he gets back on his feet... He just needs me to feel less alone... So I guess it's up to me to either push him there or end it myself...  And I'll be one more of his evil exes, the liar, the cheater (because I'm pretty sure he will say I cheated on him, although I never ever did)... However, that won't be my problem anymore, and he can say whatever he wants to make himself feel better... Whatever let's him sleep at night, I guess... It's been a while since I knew we were never going to meet, since I knew we would break up before we could ever meet... Guess I, to...

 This is how little my love is worth... Manipulation, jealousy, blame... That's how little he priced my love for him... That's how much I'm worth for him... And I'm tired...