To the other side of somewhere

 I always feel like I'm useless, but lately I am even feeling that way in game... Today I finally decided to leave my clan and go solo for a while. I'm pretty sure they won't take it all that well, but I'm so tired, so fed up.  I tried talking to a friend about it and he didn't quite understand me. I am pretty sure he got mad... I just wanted him to get what I was saying and feeling, but... Well, I do understand how he must have been feeling too, though... But, I felt misunderstood and alone... And that made me feel worse, which in turn made me angry...  I had a heartfelt and honest statement about how I was just gonna take a break from the clan and stuff, but instead I just wrote on clan chat in game that I was leaving because I'm not contributing anything anymore, and thanked them... I also logged out of my discord... I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to feel that misunderstood and alone again...  I'm sorry, but I'm tired, and I feel...

 I always knew I outlived you a day too many...  Today is the day I am most inclined to think that way, because you left this day many many years ago...  You just... don't exist anymore...

 Great... My stomach hurts... They were just joking but the idea of another friend thinking "bad" of me really bothered me...  I'm a horrible person... I should just shut the fuck up...

 Most of the time I think I'm a horrible human being.... And that gets me so mad and sad at myself...  I'm inappropiate I can't make conversation I'm impatient I'm awkward... I'm anxious and depressed and stupid... And he is so sweet I actually feel bad he talks to me... Because I know he deserves better... They all deserve better... I'm sorry...

 So... Not only have we not stopped with the kinky talk, but we are also talking about cute and innocent stuff... Nothing too deep or serious or personal, but we are talking... And the fantasies... He definitely commits... In a hot and cute way... I don't even know how to explain it... It's fun and exciting and spontaneous... But, as always, it gives me a little anxiety to think about what he really wants out of this... And if I ask, maybe I'm taking things too seriously...? This is the part that actually I don't quite like... where I am supposed to ask because I want and need to know... Like, I know it's not a real or serious relationship, so I want to understand the rules of engagement, so to speak... Just so I know where I am standing...

My stomach hurts, and I feel like crying now...  I feel like it was all my fault and I feel bad. I feel guilty for allowing him to talk naughty and doing the same... I know he's married and has kids, and we are just talking, nothing else really happening... No pics, no nothing. And I like the attention...  I'm a horrible attention whore... I don't know what his situation is, and it should not matter either... I should get a grip and stop... And I kinda tried talking to him about it, and in the end, he low key told me it's my fault for allowing him... For enabling him... Of course I only told him a part of the situation, but that was enough for the blame to be mine...  Now I feel worse and just wanna cry and run away...