To the other side of somewhere

 Everytime I'm put, or rather, I encounter this type of situations and anxiety takes over, I just wanna kill myself... Like, it's my go to response because I feel useless and afraid of not being able to raise to the challenge... So I immediately wanna say "no"... Should I say "no"?

 I got to meet another family in game within another clan... It was great, despite me feeling a little out of place... I had a great time, and G is truly the best... I missed that kind of energy! But all good things must come to an end and my time was up...  Another little heartbreak when I pressed that button to leave... My stomach hurts... Now, back to the lonely house again...

I'm tired of looking for answers... Of wanting answers... If he wanted me still, he would have said something by now, right...? Besides, it's not like he had feelings for me... He just felt attraction, and now that's not the case anymore... He said it a couple of times: he was just using me... And now he doesn't need me... There were no promises, no plans, no future, no nothing...  And he's done with me... Doesn't matter why, or how or when or what... It was my fault anyway, because it was me who fell in love... I didn't realise until it was too late... He does not care... Not anymore... So I just have to stop writing, stop thinking about him, stop feeling... Stop

 At some point today, while ironing, I felt the sudden need to put the edge of the iron against my arm... It took all my mental strength to not do it... ... Am I too broken...?

 Is it ok to know...? To want to know why..? Why they chose me... Why they feel attracted...? Is it stupid to want to know? Is it ridiculous to ask...?

 What I think hurts the most is my love... It hurts how little it was worth for him, it hurts how much he hit it and stabbed it and made it bleed...  It hurts that my love got hurt... It hurts being left alone... It hurts It hurts... It .... hurts...

I thought I was out of the woods... But I'm not... I miss him... Not the person he turned out to be in the end but the person he was in the beginning...  And I'm aware I did so many things wrong but I think I learned... Or maybe not...  I feel so useless and alone and hurt and lost... I feel I don't deserve anything and that I'm just bringing down everyone with me... They will be better without me... I just have to disappear... Stop asking for help... Stop... Just stop... Just be quiet... Just be still... Fake, pretend, smile... Everything will be alright at some point... I just have to get past this... Just have to survive, but... Would it be worth it...?

 At first it felt good to start talking and flirting like that... But now my mind has regain some control and is asking if perhaps it's too soon to be doing this again... If maybe I'm acting like a whore...  My body likes it... But my mind is thinking I'm a liar, I'm a whore, I'm compromising myself again... Still, I'm enjoying...