To the other side of somewhere

 Most of the time I think I'm a horrible human being.... And that gets me so mad and sad at myself...  I'm inappropiate I can't make conversation I'm impatient I'm awkward... I'm anxious and depressed and stupid... And he is so sweet I actually feel bad he talks to me... Because I know he deserves better... They all deserve better... I'm sorry...

 So... Not only have we not stopped with the kinky talk, but we are also talking about cute and innocent stuff... Nothing too deep or serious or personal, but we are talking... And the fantasies... He definitely commits... In a hot and cute way... I don't even know how to explain it... It's fun and exciting and spontaneous... But, as always, it gives me a little anxiety to think about what he really wants out of this... And if I ask, maybe I'm taking things too seriously...? This is the part that actually I don't quite like... where I am supposed to ask because I want and need to know... Like, I know it's not a real or serious relationship, so I want to understand the rules of engagement, so to speak... Just so I know where I am standing...

My stomach hurts, and I feel like crying now...  I feel like it was all my fault and I feel bad. I feel guilty for allowing him to talk naughty and doing the same... I know he's married and has kids, and we are just talking, nothing else really happening... No pics, no nothing. And I like the attention...  I'm a horrible attention whore... I don't know what his situation is, and it should not matter either... I should get a grip and stop... And I kinda tried talking to him about it, and in the end, he low key told me it's my fault for allowing him... For enabling him... Of course I only told him a part of the situation, but that was enough for the blame to be mine...  Now I feel worse and just wanna cry and run away...

 Somebody mentioned the word and it triggered me... "I like harassing people". I very well know they didn't mean it like actual harassment but as joking around... it was a trigger anyway... I know I was being too sensitive because of what I'm writing, and it was like having an open wound and getting it touched by someone who didn't mean it... I spiraled bad, and had a minor anxiety attack...

 I just came to a sudden realization... If people don't need me, I feel useless. If I'm useless, then they have no reason to love me, or like me, or be with me... That's why I need them to need me... So I know they will not leave me... So I feel loved...

 You know what hurts now...? I remembered something T said to me when I was beginning to have problems with C... It was something so nice it instantly made me feel so cared for... And now... I'm nothing to him... This memory made me cry in silence...  Why did I have to remember that...?  My heart breaks everytime...

 So... Now he got mad for something I didn't do (which was, apparently, talk to him "not nice"...) It was, really, because I was playing and started laughing and making "I'm so offended" noises... He wanted to know what happened and I just told him "Oh, nothing, I was in battleground"... And that was it, he interpreted it as me being mad because I answered "bad"... But it's always the same thing: I'm the one that uses a tone que dislikes, and he gets mad despite the fact I didn't use a tone or anything. I immediately felt sick, of course, and my stomach feels not good... So I just left the room to go change clothes, so I could get out of his way because he was gonna give a class... Next thing I knew, he came into the living room to say "excuse me if I bother you when I talk to you", in his angriest voice. And he closed the door, which he despises doing... So, again, I'm the mean person... And I'm so tired of ...