To the other side of somewhere

 Somebody mentioned the word and it triggered me... "I like harassing people". I very well know they didn't mean it like actual harassment but as joking around... it was a trigger anyway... I know I was being too sensitive because of what I'm writing, and it was like having an open wound and getting it touched by someone who didn't mean it... I spiraled bad, and had a minor anxiety attack...

 I just came to a sudden realization... If people don't need me, I feel useless. If I'm useless, then they have no reason to love me, or like me, or be with me... That's why I need them to need me... So I know they will not leave me... So I feel loved...

 You know what hurts now...? I remembered something T said to me when I was beginning to have problems with C... It was something so nice it instantly made me feel so cared for... And now... I'm nothing to him... This memory made me cry in silence...  Why did I have to remember that...?  My heart breaks everytime...

 So... Now he got mad for something I didn't do (which was, apparently, talk to him "not nice"...) It was, really, because I was playing and started laughing and making "I'm so offended" noises... He wanted to know what happened and I just told him "Oh, nothing, I was in battleground"... And that was it, he interpreted it as me being mad because I answered "bad"... But it's always the same thing: I'm the one that uses a tone que dislikes, and he gets mad despite the fact I didn't use a tone or anything. I immediately felt sick, of course, and my stomach feels not good... So I just left the room to go change clothes, so I could get out of his way because he was gonna give a class... Next thing I knew, he came into the living room to say "excuse me if I bother you when I talk to you", in his angriest voice. And he closed the door, which he despises doing... So, again, I'm the mean person... And I'm so tired of ...

 I think I just want people to like me... I desperately want that... Maybe because I didn't feel loved or wanted growing up, which made me think I didn't deserve to be loved... I still think there's nothing lovable in me... But I still need people to like me, and shower me with attention and care, even when I feel I'm deceiving them into doing it... I'm an attention whore, and a drama queen, and a complete nuisance So I try to fight that need, and try to isolate myself so I'm less of a burden to people... Because I don't deserve their love and attention, and they don't deserve to be bothered by me...

 Everytime I'm put, or rather, I encounter this type of situations and anxiety takes over, I just wanna kill myself... Like, it's my go to response because I feel useless and afraid of not being able to raise to the challenge... So I immediately wanna say "no"... Should I say "no"?

 I got to meet another family in game within another clan... It was great, despite me feeling a little out of place... I had a great time, and G is truly the best... I missed that kind of energy! But all good things must come to an end and my time was up...  Another little heartbreak when I pressed that button to leave... My stomach hurts... Now, back to the lonely house again...