To the other side of somewhere

 I think I know what I need to stop... I need him to break my heart I need him to tell me he's done with me I need him to tell me he doesn't need me anymore Or want me Or love me... (Of course he doesn't love me, I don't know why I wrote that) If he does that, and if he means it, I know I would be free... I need that closure I need to know for sure that our thing is over and done, so I can stop idealising him... So I can stop going back to him... So I can stop this feelings... So I can stop waiting for him... So I can stop loving him... It's the least he can do for me now, right? So, break my heart and set me free...

 This is so stupid!!! I want to stop having feelings for him !! I can't keep this...  Why did I let myself fall in love with him? I knew it was not going anywhere... I knew he was just using me... And now he doesn't need me... He doesn't want me...  I want to keep crying until I can't cry no more... And let go of everything I feel for him...  If I leave... If I go... would these feelings fade? Would I stop crying...? I'm so stupid... Why did I fall in love with him...?

 I miss him ... And this is so stupid, because I know he doesn't care... And that breaks my heart... I was already sad and they started reminiscing about the old days, and I just felt useless and stupid and so lonely...  He doesn't need me anymore... He doesn't want me anymore... If only my heart could stop feeling something for him... I just wanna cry and cry... But I can't... Because he is here, and he told me to stop feeling sad for him ... So, I can't cry... I must not cry... This has to stop... Please...

 Every time something like this happens... When I make a mistake and hurt someone, I wish I was never born... I wish I had died before being born... How much happy my mom would have been without me, the disappointment, the useless one... She would be so happy with just my brothers, the ones she adores...  And they all would be better, wouldn't they?  He would have never felt the need to cheat, to have others besides me... J would have kept living his life in peace, without the burden of trying to love me and understand me... Fa would have been better without me... Maybe she would still be alive...? I wish I had died before I met them... Before I got the chance to hurt them over and over and over again... I wish they would be free of me... Of my burdens, of my stupidity, of my love... Of the burden of knowing me... I wish they would be free of the silly illusion that they need me, love me, want me, like me... Because they don't really... 

 I don't understand what's love anymore... For every person it means something different, and even when you think you and your significant other may feel similar, with time you realize you don't really understand... And I don't get it, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore...

 Sometimes I get the feeling that J gets mad or sad that I don't have toxic attitudes towards him...  And I don't get it... Is that something desirable? Is that something I should do...? Maybe I'm mistaken... I'm so confused... I suck at romance...

 I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore!!!! So either you let me sleep when I need to, or you let me grab the scissors and cut the skin open so I can feel some sort of relief.