To the other side of somewhere

 My own mind is killing me right now... How do I turn this off? I'm tired of thinking about him I'm tired of needing, of wanting his attention I'm tired of feeling rejected... I'm tired of feeling guilty I'm just so tired... And I just keep crying and crying I feel like an idiot, like an obsessed teenager in love, like a stupid girl... Please, turn it off...

 I realized it's all because of him... I feel like this because he hasn't written... He hasn't reach... And that breaks my heart to the point I cry and cry and cry... And every song I listen to, every song I love, reminds me of that fact...  That maybe he is done with me... That maybe he doesn't need me anymore... That maybe he's through, and I'm still there... He is, indeed, my undoing... And I'm still here...

 Ok, now it turns out I'm mistaken again... About the place I wanted to make friends in... It's a fucking game and I made the mistake of trying to use it to make friends...  I'm done I can't keep doing this I'm not looking for another place I'm done looking for friends Fuck it I just have to be normal and not care about that, about anything else... I give up That's enough I'll just be alone and stupid and sad Maybe I'll be able to focus on writing or something Maybe I'll finally be able to end it all But I'm pretty much done It's stupid, I'm stupid And I have had enough

 I was super moved today because I went and peeked on dc a little again today...  A girl from the clan sent me a message to wish me a happy Thanksgiving (which I do not celebrate because I'm Mexican living in Mexico, but I don't mind) and to tell me she missed me... Awwwwwwww, she's super nice!!! I cried a little when I read the message because it meant a lot to me... I answered her a few minutes ago, wishing her a happy Thanksgiving too, and explained that I'm taking a break due to depression, but that I wanted to keep that a secret from everyone else... And I also thanked her for writing, and of course I miss her too... I mean, we haven't had a proper conversation but she started to greet me whenever she saw me in-game and I started doing the same, because I know she is so nice and in dc she stated she's introvert to the max... Which I totally get, and that's why it means so much to me that she wrote <3  If you're not an introvert, you have no idea ...

 Also, this one... https://youtu.be/cRSqM-67EiE (And now I'm beginning to think I may be a fan of Bob Moses... Completely irrelevant to my current state of mind, but I ramble...)

 And then I paid attention to the lyrics of this song and it hit too close to home... Fuck! https://youtu.be/ny8Le5n8M9k

 I'm done No more This is stupid and I'm done No more asking for help I can manage I have to manage on my own If I can make no friends, if there is no one that cares, that's fine, then This is the only solution I was able to find, so I'm running with that Enough Everyone has a life to take care of, except me, and I was too stupid to see it But no more I'm done I'm pretty sure this is the wrong answer but I'm tired and I'm done Fuck it

 I peeked a little... And nothing Not one message... Which means I'm free... Right? No one cares... I shouldn't either... I just need to keep sleeping all day...

 A friend shared Tove lo' s   new album with me and I loved it... I'm obsessed with Suburbia, but the one that completely wrecked me was Grapefruit ... Haven't been able to stop crying...

 I'm tired... I'm tired of always being the one that reaches out to friends..  If I don't write to them, they don't write to me... And I'm tired... So so tired... So I'll just disappear for a while... Nobody cares, anyway...

 I just don't know how he does it, but he does! I was feeling so down three days ago, and was thinking of actually disappearing from my accounts for a while (game and discord) to take some distance... I managed to do it for like a day before I had to come running back for some activities...  Then, two days ago, while I was asking about another friend before disappearing again, he just told me such nice things about me being loved and respected in the clan... I just couldn't help to feel so moved but so confused at the same time...  Like, I cannot take a freaking compliment because I don't feel like I've had done anything to deserve praise... Yeah, quite broken inside, I know... So my -surely wrong- response was to laugh... I just laughed. Moronic, I know. But that's what I did. Hahaha. However, I'm pretty sure I blushed because I felt warm... 

 And again with the same fucking thing... Again I want to have friends and again there's no one... And I keep messing things up and I just don't know anymore... I spend a lot of time in game, but it's not like my reality is that much better... It's still me... And I can't stop being me... I want to be social... But I just can't. I can't make conversations, I can't seem to understand interaction...  I don't want this anymore. I can't... I can't keep doing this... I should just give up I'm tired I'm so tired... And I just don't understand... I should just stop.

 So, I finally talked to the boss, after my fight with C... Boss said it looks like C is lacking in communication skills and not trying to manipulate me...  And I get it, but still... I shouldn't have said something to the boss in the first place, this was a personal matter and should not have involved him, to begin with... And for a couple of days, I was so sure C would never talk to me again because men and their egos. And the prospect of him never speaking to me again was delightful, to be honest. And now C is talking to me again... "Are we cool?", He asked. And I just replied "Sure". To which he proceeded to say "Ok, honey... Jokes"...  But I got busy talking to G, who's so much fun!! So, because I did not answer for a while, C thought I had gotten mad for the way he called me.. and I was like "Pfff, no, I was talking to my friend". And we talked a little... Like nothing had happened... Which I like and don't... Like I always joke...

 I was asked why do I keep talking to C... And I don't quite know the answer to that... Part of me gets it and the other part doesn't... It's the attention that I like He began kinda insulting me and then called me "cute"... Negging much?  And without me knowing, I was trapped. I began craving his attention and his approval, like a stupid little girl... Worst is, he still does it... He keeps treating me like I don't know anything, throws a compliment here and there, then says or asks something kinda weird or stalky... No... The worst thing is I just didn't realize I was trapped. I just gave him some power over me nobody should really have...  And it's infuriating and sad and maddening!  And just as I'm convinced I should stop talking to him, out him to the boss, and get it over with, he says something nice and messes with my head and resolution... I keep doubting myself, keep making excuses like "it's just the way he talks, he's not re...

 I'm beginning to understand how this works... And it's kinda weird, kinda frustrating, kinda simple... And I'm not sure if I like it or not... I mean, there's way too many things I still don't get about the gaming community, and it's social interactions...  Like... Dating in-game...  And that got me thinking... I already know I'm just a fantasy for him, but... Is that all? Is like game-dating? Or more like game-fcking?  And what about the other people? My friends and the guys that keep trying to get my attention?  Is it all an illusion? Am I making a huuuuuuge mistake...? Again...? I don't know if I'm making much sense, I can't get my ideas straight, maybe it has to do with the fact that my head hurts, I may have caused a misunderstanding for someone and I'm hungry...  Gods, I should really get a grip on my temper, sheeesh... But I do hope I'm just exaggerating and there is not really a misunderstanding, but all in my head...  Oh, dear B...

 Zeus... My head hurts and I got mad at a friend... And may have caused a misunderstanding because of that... Sheesh... I'm horrible...

 Maybe the problem is I have to much "free" time... ?

 I woke up from a nap, feeling like he was only a dream I had... Which is a little sad But I also know we won't meet, despite every fantasy I ever had about him... We won't meet... Ever... And part of me wishes we could really do everything we have talked about... And the other part of me is grateful that he would never see me as I really am, with my belly, with all this fat I've learned to hate over the years... Do I have to let him go...? Do I have to accept that...? Also, nobody has written to me in a while... Which makes me feel all alone again...  Does it have to be me the one that always write? The one that tries to reach... The one that tries to make talk, even though I am the least apt for that...? Would I ever be a proper social person...?