To the other side of somewhere

 It's bliss, having the volume up so high that I cannot hear my own thoughts... Real bliss

 So... My fabric scissors are sharp... I did not expect them to cut flesh, really... I'll just have to get away from them too, and not only from knives... What a stupid person I am, no doubt I did not apply any pressure, I was not trying to kill myself or anything... I was just curious all of a sudden... and just grabbed the scissors, opened the blades, and swiftly moved them over the skin on my arm, on a horizontal motion... I even was careful were to put the edge so it wouldn't be a problem in case I was wrong... Nothing happened. And then, it started to bleed a little. Just a flesh wound.  Just a flesh wound.  Nothing more. I did not apply any pressure because I was not trying to hurt myself, really... I was just curious... But I mentioned it to J and he lost it... He thought it was his fault because he said something during sex... And that made me cry because I felt like I was a dissapointment for him...  He thought that what he said pushed me to try and kill mys...

 I would  literally kill myself if this keeps going on... I can't keep anyone happy no matter what I do! Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!!

 I had this dream where because of a misunderstanding, someone was touching me... borderline sex abuse... And I didn't want other people to notice, because it was a misunderstanding, and I tried to get this person away from me without making it obvious and without making a fuss but I was not really accomplishing anything... He eventually went away and I was embarrassed and anxious but free... I think my brain is seriously interpreting my fear of conflict, and the situation with C, like this... Like sexual abuse... Anxiety rising...

 Why don't I just kill myself and be done with everything? I'm tired I'm so fucking tired I can't keep discussing and fighting with people I love and care about... I'm tired of feeling inadequate... I'm tired of feeling I'm the one that doesn't understand and can't do anything right... I can't do this... I'm done...

 My anxiety levels are through the roof right now... I don't think he should be with me, in all honesty.... I think J deserves better...  I told him I'll break it out with P but I feel I can't...  And this whole fucking mess is my fault... I didn't know things with J would reach this level... I should have never let it happen... Worst part is... I like J... Our connection is amazing...  But he would never be the most important one for me... He would never be my top priority... Bf is... And him. Always  him . And I know, in turn, I will never be his priority... I've always known... But I don't quite care... I don't know why... Our connection is the wildest there is, among each and every one of them. Sometimes, it's even more powerful than with bf.  I don't know if that's the infatuation talking... Am I really in love with him? I smile everytime I think about him... I'm plain stupid... And J deserves better... And P deserves different... And I...

 I fucked up... Again... Go figure... I should have told J about bf from the very beginning...  Instead, I waited and now, as usual, I made a mess of things... Why? Why didn't I tell him before? I didn't want this to end... But because of that, I hurt him... And it's all my fucking fault.... And now, I don't know how to fix it...

 I think I need to take a break from everyone...  I have to stop messing things up... I have to stop me from being myself... If I'm, in fact, infectious, I have to isolate myself, right? I don't want to hurt anyone...

 I'm mad Or anxious Or both And I don't even know why!! Which is way worse! I feel weird, or uncomfortable, or empty, or lost... Maybe I'm just feeling alone... Or maybe I just need to sleep...

 So... My friend J told me he understood why C fell for me... Apparently, my personality is infectious ... Doesn't that sound like I'm a disease or something?  I answered that and he apologized saying it was a poor choice of words, but that he meant I'm amazing and he gets why people would like me instantly...  We have some things in common, and yesterday we talked about being indecisive, overthinking and oversharing... We understood each other perfectly... He proceeded to let me know he was instantly attracted to my energy, and that he felt a connection to me... ... And now, someone else in the clan told me I was amazing too... I... I'm flattered but I don't want this... To makes matters worse, Ducky got really direct earlier and its kinda weird...  We kinda started sexting and... I don't quite like it... It was so out of the blue and fast... It's uncomfortable! I mean, we flirted, yeah, but it was nice and cute and innocent to a certain point! And now, it...

 I cried a lot after the meeting... For a moment, I even thought I was gonna throw up... that's how intense the crying was, how hurt I felt, how abandoned... The moment when I felt the most pain was when I was talking to J about what we discussed in the meeting and he told me he felt a connection with me...  I instantly remembered that the first person to tell me about   feeling an instant connection to me was  him ... What about that? Was that all talk? Is that not the case anymore? Doesn't it matter now?  I just couldn't manage... It just hurt so much... And I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe anymore...  I cannot do this anymore... Please... Please!! Come back to me! Please, be ok!! Please... Just, please... Don't leave me... Or... Please, just rip my heart out once and for all and be done with it... This wait is killing me! Just...  I just... I just can't... . . . . . . . I should disappear...

Our new clan boss called a meeting for today, and it kinda sounded ominous... Anxiety, immediately, took me What I want to know, more than anything, is if he  is coming back...  Two days ago I discovered I cannot message him anymore because we're not discord friends... I immediately started to cry... I allowed it for only a minute because I was not alone and I was certainly not in the mood for explanations... I've been trying to convince myself that he would not leave me like that, that he must be really busy and focused on his family... And for now, that's what has been keeping me from falling apart... I wonder if our new boss knows something more specific... As I constantly mentioned to some friends, if he is leaving the clan and/or the game, I'm out...  And I'm dreading that decision... I don't want to be alone again... But I refuse to stay if he won't be there anymore... And I refuse to join another place... I'll be heartbroken...

 Promises promises... What if what you envisioned is not what reality actually is...? How disappointed would you be...? Would you abandon ship...? Or would you work with what you have...?  Would you deny it, or would you adapt?

 Another fight with bf I'm tired Maybe we shouldn't be together anymore Maybe he'll be better without me Maybe I should just disappear I'm tired I just wanted for him to listen... But he doesn't want to anymore, and I get it... Maybe we're both tired... Maybe this is as far as we'd go... Maybe...