To the other side of somewhere

 I knew from the beginning you were going to break my heart but I still stayed... I was right, of course...  But still I allowed myself to fall in love with you... And now I feel so alone... I have no one I can really talk about this... I can't show my tears to anyone, not even to J... This would hurt him, and I won't have it... And him ? He told me to stop feeling sad and crying about it... So, definitely not him ... I am drowning in the feeling...  And I know it will not kill me, but it hurts as if it would...  I feel rejected, stupid, abandoned, used...

 I listened to this song and just started crying...  https://youtube.com/watch?v=HhpUfSSSyfw&si=EnSIkaIECMiOmarE At the same time, I was sending something cute to him ... and I felt like I am doing everything wrong...

Why do people talk to me...? Why do they feel like they can just start sending private messages...? What is their intention? Their real purpose...? Because I want friends and they just stop writing suddenly and I just don't get it... Being a woman on an online game is just too difficult... I mean, if they could actually see me, they wouldn't pay any attention to me...

Can't help anyone... I try doing something for someone, while still paying attention to the other one... And I fail every time... I can't do anything... I can't be what they want me to be... What they need from me...  And I still can't cry...  Am I supposed to just nod and be quiet...? I am just an accesory... Right? They don't really need me... They don't really want me... They just feel like they do because I care... But I'm of no actual use to them... Just something for them to feel better...

 It feels like a raging sea at night It drags you and pulls your head underwater, tossing you around, spinning you uncontrollably There is no up or down anymore No light No sounds but that of the waves crashing and crushing against you... The ocean pulls you, embraces you, surrounds you, fills you... There is nothing else but it's immensity And you are just a single soul... Nothing but a grain of sand, of which the bottom has billions... And you are tired... And there is no escaping it... It hurts to fight it... And the ocean just wants you in it.. No one else... Maybe if you let it swallow you whole... Maybe you don't have to fight it, but let it take you... Maybe the ocean is just the answer

I think I'm broken I can't cry... I can't feel... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Am I dead...?

Do you know that feeling...? That feeling of being a total failure to your loved ones... And having to cry in silence, hiding, because they already asked you to stop being sad and stop crying... Do you know that feeling? Of crying without making a sound and hoping you could disappear, even for a little... Of having to pretend everything is alright because, what's the point...? Of feeling so useless... Of feeling tired of being useless... Of feeling tired of failing them time after time after time... Of being of absolutely no use to them... Of knowing for a certainty they would be better without you... Can I stop hurting them...? What happens when I cannot pretend anymore...? When the feelings drown me and bring me down to the bottom...? What then...? Will it stop hurting then...? Will I stop hurting them...?

 He told me he was not even worth my tears... But... What if I am the one not worth even  his attention...?

 What do you do when you realize you didn't mean that much to the person that meant, and still means, so much to you...?

 I can't even be strong for him... For no one... When they need me, I just falter... I can't really be there for no one...  And I keep sinking, without being able to help them, or myself...

 You know that desperation, I'm sure you're familiar... That desperation of not being able to help someone no matter what you do or say or try... The feeling of just telling them that the situation they are in just sucks and that you wish you could do something more for them... That you are there for them, knowing all well that you make absolutely no difference... And then, to top it all off, feeling like crap because you are not the one going through that situation and yet you feel bad...  You try to but you just don't understand because you have never been through something like that... You don't understand, so shut the fuck up... Completely useless I make no difference I am not enough for anyone I am not enough for me Why do I insist on keeping on living? Just because I want to...? Just because I like stories...? Sleep I'm so sleepy... My brain can't take it...  Just... sleep... Tomorrow it won't be better, possibly, but I can keep fucking it all up... Fo...