To the other side of somewhere

 She used that word and it broke me... Yes You were my soulmate I always knew it People knew it And it broke my heart Because you don't exist anymore... And I can't stand it

 Lately, I feel so lost without you... You, of all people, would have understood everything... You, of all people, would have told me what I needed to hear... Or what I wanted... Or both... This would have been so much fun with you Every conversation, every screenshot you, and you alone, would have read... You would have laughed at my stupidity, at my failed attempts to seduce my new crush... And the old crush... And now I have no one to talk about everything... And it hurts so much I feel I should have followed you when you left... And then I remember you weren't happy... I remember why you went back home... And that hurts... But I still believe I would be so much better with you by my side... Everything would be so much better... And I am lost now...

 Apparently, I woke up with the foulest of moods... But then I realized I did not... I only got mad because he hasn't written...  And, again, I got to thinking that maybe he thinks I'm stupid because I asked him what had happened... Or that I've become only his whore, for him to use whenever he feels like it... and nothing more... Fuck My mind is a mess...  Worst part is, I don't know what to do... Again...  Perhaps I should just disappear for a while...

 He hasn't been on lately He had not answered and I'm getting worried... Is it because of what I said, or is it for something totally unrelated? Is it because I remained him of his late friend...? If that would be the case, I definitely feel somewhat responsible, which hurts...

 I... I think the subject may had hurt him... And for that, I'm deeply sorry. But I am glad I told him, because he helped.

 What to do once you finally decided to die?  How do you tell someone you care about that you want to be dead soon? How do you prepare them? How do you make them understand it's not their fault?

 You all lied... You don't care I'm not important to you You won't listen to me whenever I feel like it... I knew it but... I dared to believe it for a moment... You even denied me nice words, and sympathy... I keep making the same mistakes of trusting people... I should be preparing for my departure soon

 While washing the dishes, I saw three knives, serrated blade, regular table top... And I got to thinking... Would it hurt for a long time? I grabbed one of them and put it against my wrist.  Maybe I could make it look like an accident... It just stayed there. I didn't move... I tried cutting but I also didn't apply enough force. It did not sink in the flesh.  It did not cut... I gave up. I just finished washing everything...

 I do remember something from my childhood... I remember once I faked falling down the first flight of stairs at my grandmother's house, and just laid in there for a long time. I was around 10 years old. No one came No one noticed I wonder... Was there when I finally understood that I was alone? That no one would ever help me, no matter how much I wanted to be helped.. ? Today, in my mind, I'm again in that flight of stairs, but now I'm done faking... And I'm done wanting to be helped...

 I feel so lonely right now... So isolated... I can't talk about these things to anyone and it makes me feel unimportant...  Like maybe I can take advantage of no one paying attention and be done with it...

 He answered "keep it simple"... I'm still debating if I should tell him that it would be oh so simple!, that I just need a knife, running water, and a quiet place... But that would worsen the situation, wouldn't it?  I shouldn't have written to him, really... This is not supposed to be the relationship he wants and I knew it, but still had to do it.. My fault. I'll just erase the message and blame it on the lack of sleep... (Or maybe he did understand and is condoning suicide...? Wouldn't that be something...? No use on thinking about it now, I erased the message already so I can't ask him)

 In part, I'm glad he didn't understand I was talking about suicide... Like, bless your soul, or whatever they say in situations like this... On the other hand... I felt a little twinge of disappointment with this answer...  No matter.  I said what I wanted.   This is my burden and mine alone, anyway.

 So... The key point in my plan is to avoid hurting other people. Specially people that care about me... Everytime I think what I would do and how, I also think of the people that would be deeply hurt by me doing it: Bf... my parents, my brothers... My bff, a couple of other friends... Him, maybe (although he would have no way of finding out, really, I'll just be gone the same way I came into his life). And then, the moment passes and I can breathe again. But... What if I were to splendidly fuck up every one of those relationships, on purpose, so I can be free to carry out my plans without feeling guilty anymore? Of course my family would be devastated, but they would be fine eventually, won't they?  And the others... Well, if I did everything right and ruined those relationships correctly, they would only think about me for a moment and be done... Not a perfect plan, but it could work...

 Come morning, I can't keep sleeping past 6:00 o'clock... This past week has been like that... Which sucks, because I love sleeping. And it has nothing to do with him, and everything with everything.  I wake up and immediately start analyzing the dream I just had, what I said the previous day/week/month, what I have to do, what's the best course of action, if I should plan a new way of suicide...  And once my mind is that awake, I can't go back to sleep... I think I've been getting around 6 hours of rest each day... Which, again, sucks... 

 Why does it feel like everything I say is wrong??? I'm not cut out to be in society... I'm not saying anything anymore... It'd be best if I just remain at the bottom, where I belong...

 And now bf is mad at me too... So, yeah, winning at all fronts... I should have killed myself when I had the chance...

 I really thought... I am just an idiot... I can't do this I just can't...

 I was sure he was gonna write tonight... How mistaken I was... I hate this!!! Just break it up, already!

 It's the wait that's killing me... Like I can't breathe until he tells me if we're out of the woods yet or we'd better part ways... Just break my heart already or hold it, so I can know what to do next... But it's the wait I can't stand... Just like the silence...

 First time I'm awake... knowing all to well that he hasn't written...  I just can't sleep anymore... Can't fake I didn't know from the beginning, just have to go down a little further from this post and find the one that says "My new crush could be my undoing..." I'm still hurting... but I'm not in crisis anymore... 

 Does it hurt this bad only because I refuse to give him up ..? Because I just don't want it to end...? Because I think that if I punish myself, I can be forgiven...? I need help... But I don't know who to ask for it...

 Please Please Make it stop I beg you Make it stop Please!! I can't take it anymore...

 I just realized... I'm not looking for an answer... I'm just looking for the pain to destroy me... Because when I was confronted with the question, I didn't have anything to say... I don't know what to do... I'm broken and lost and in pain... I don't know what to do to stop so I just want it to kill me... I belong in the darkness...

 Maybe I should let this pain kill me and be done with it... Wouldn't that be something...?

 What if this is all I am...? This broken, this rotten...? This person that only knows how to break things...? What if this is who I truly am...? What then?

 I think my own rage against myself helped me write the ritual scene... And it made me realize something... I thought I was her... But it turns out, I'm M, fucking it all up... No I'm worst He believed he was protecting her from her own power, he did it because it was the right thing to do for her and the world... What I did was just because I couldn't keep quiet...  What I broke was only because I failed at being a human... I deserve this pain because I hurt him...

 Loud music hurts me... But it also prevents me from thinking... And that's exactly what I need right now... Pain... And the inability to think...

 He told me he's going away for a while... So I really fucked things up... He just said "No"... But I know what I did...  And then I forgot how to breath. And then I started crying like I haven't cried in a very very long time. Anxiety took a hold on me and would not let go... Now I cannot sleep...

 I forgot how to breathe...

 Can I really have something good on my hands and not break it...? Do I have what it takes not to ruin every nice thing that happens to me...? Am I unable to stop...? Am I unable of not destroying everything...? Why do I have to smother it...? I feel that I can't breath... I could end up destroying the sand castle I've built... And when the tide comes, as it always does, it will wash away the pieces and carry me with it... To the bottom... To the darkness... To nothingness... Where I belong...

 Radio silence... What if I truly hurt him...?  Will he forgive me...? Will he ask me to go...? Will we be able to keep doing whatever is it that we're doing...? I just don't know, and the wait is killing me...

 And suddenly, just like that, he writes again.... And I'm alive again... He got me wrapped around his fingers, and most of the time I don't mind relinquishing control to him...  I can fake not being in control I can make it seem like I'm completely submitted to his will, while I know I am in control of the situation, of myself... And then, like a thunder striking, I saw... I saw I had lost... By trying to keep him interested, I betrayed my own will... And I didn't realize it until it was too late... I lost at my own game. By trying to seduce him, I ended up giving him everything I swore to myself I wouldn't do unless I got something of the same value in return... The worst part wasn't even that. The worst part is that I didn't keep quiet. Of course I had to make a mess of things even more by telling him I was mad at myself for that. Why didn't I just shut up and keep it to myself? Troy caught fire again, no surprises there.

 It's always the same... One day, a lot of words... The next, nothing... Then the next, nothing... Nothing... Nothing... Nothing...

 When he doesn't write, I go and re read our past conversations... Am I lame or what...?

 Now that I've calmed down a little, I think I may had been a little too dramatic... If I keep acting like a spoiled brat, they'll end up getting fed up and leaving me... On the other hand... I don't know, at least I didn't insult anyone, so that has to count for something, right...? Oh, Bastet, why am I like this? It's stupid and embarrassing and completely stupid!!!

Also... I am NOT adorable!!!  Come f*cking on!!!

I got mad... Yes, again... And then, I was scolded... Sort of... So I got even madder... When the opportunity came, I just took it and ignored everyone else... They kept sending me messages and I just ignored every one last of them. No need to get nasty at people just because I cannot control my sudden humour shifts... Didn't take my painkillers... So I may be getting into my usual selfdestruct spyral... On another note... Painkillers are analgesics, right? They do not refer to drugs for mental health... right? Because last time I was talking about painkillers, some people were kind of concerned about my mental state and health, so that was seriously confusing... Or maybe they just thought I was mentally unstable because of what I said...  Whatever it was, I was told to thank and ignore, so I did... But I keep thinking about that weird interaction...  Still, gotta move on or I'll reach a point I don't want to be in right now...

 Nothing like waking up in a pool of your own blood... That may be an exaggeration, but still, you get what I'm saying, I believe... Moments likes this are the ones that make me hate being a woman...

 Like... I know... I know he's right I knew it... Just didn't want to rationalize it... Or maybe the thing that bothers me the most is that I didn't know it. And it fucking hurts Hurts like hell... Because that makes complete sense I'm not special He just needed someone... Anyone would have made it But for me, it was only him... And I hate me for it It didn't add up that he "liked" me  But now it makes sense... Of course I'm not the only one Again Again Again Again I'm never the only one What I'm asking for is just an illusion It's just impossible People don't work like that But it's my own fault for believing I could be... It's my own fault for lacking the basic knowledge of human interaction I know I should have known from the beginning I fucking hate myself for that I'm always my worst enemy But I always try to hide it I fucking hate myself for this And I have to pretend like I knew, I have to pretend that I'm ok with...

 I mean, it's none of my business, but I wonder...  Does he have... a harem? It may only well be just my imagination... But, yeah, I'm jealous... I always want to be the only one I always want to feel special... Even if I know I'm not... I should just stop... It's fun... But it's also kind of hurting me too...