To the other side of somewhere

 I think I finally understood It's all an illusion Nothing is real They all just want me to sex them up, to make them feel wanted, desired, loved...? It's not me they want I'm just the medium The tool ... But to me, it was always more than that... It was a friendship, an opportunity, a long long distance relationship... Of course I'm the only one to blame, really... I'm the one that didn't understand I'm the one who didn't realize... The one who took it too seriously... ... And it's obvious, and embarrassing, and idiotic... I'm always two steps behind... I have always been this way... I just thought, for a moment, oh, I thought I  finally caught up to everyone else.... But no I'm mistaken again... I'm just too stupid to see, too stupid to understand... I'll never be able to catch up I'll never be able to be a proper funcional human being like everybody else...

 I don't know if it's because I'm a word/attention whore or if I'm feeling lonely or what, but I've been having a lot of flirty  interactions with a guy in-game... And he is SO funny!!  Our interactions are always so much fun, and kinky, we joke and play and everything is nice!  Except that, for some reason, C has been finding me while I'm in a group with him, and keeps trying to get into the party... Getting stalker vibes now! Since he unfriended me on discord and then left the clan, and I blocked him in-game... Well, he can't contact me anymore! So I guess trying to get into the group I'm in is the only way he could get a hold of me... Which is futile, really, because I won't be able to read anything he writes anyway, haha. Whatever he wants, Ducky has been really understanding of the situation and being sweet about everything... I really like him! Of course we just play together and flirt, there is nothing more... I'm not getting caught in ano...

After reading something online, I've become somewhat convinced that him is not telling me the truth...  And it's ok, really... I didn't want it to be that way, specially after telling him that I don't care for nothing but our sexting if that was all he wanted from me...  So, if after swearing he wanted more than that he is still trying to deceive me, fine.. I'll just have to thread carefully, or not at all... Sometimes I feel like I should end it before we get more entangled... But then, he writes and I like our interactions... However, I don't think he is as interested as he supposedly was in the beginning, and I'm disappointed... Maybe all my drama finally wore him out, and maybe I should had never agreed to our relationship, it's what my anxiety tells me... I should have waited patiently for him to be back to me, that's where my heart is really at... No matter what, it always feels as if I'm the only one committed, the only one that takes it...

 After what I told C just because I snapped, I felt so vulnerable... I should have never, NEVER, shared that with him... Specially with him! I wanted to hurt him, for him to feel weird and desperate and uncomfortable enough so he would stop talking to me... Apparently it had the opposite effect... He sent me a friend request again but I didn't want to accept it... Said we could perhaps be friends after all... But my anxiety after sharing something so personal was getting out of control... I finally had to tell bf... He was not happy, of course, and advised me to block him once and for all...  I convinced myself that that was the only choice, but I wanted to explain to C why I was saying goodbye... But when I was supposed to tell him, I just couldn't... And I just blocked him... Ah... I'm sorry...

 Oh, fuck... I made a mistake again just because I was mad... I told C about my childhood trauma... Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!

 C left the clan... I know we were never going to be friends again but... I don't know... I just never expected he'll leave... For me it was kind of a constant figure, first as a friend, and then as a clanmate... And now, nothing... I went in game because I was having a little anxiety attack and then found out about that...  It did not help... And now I feel more alone than before... I... I can't do this anymore...

 Everyone is leaving the clan... And I feel so sad and useless, because I can't really change anything and I wish we could go back to being the super active, social, fun and engaging clan we once where... But many have lost hope in that once other members started leaving, which got way worse when the boss stepped down due to irl issues... And I can't do anything... At this rate, I don't even know if we'll survive the holidays... I'll sink with the ship, of course, or leave the moment the boss decides to leave... Or quit... Even thinking about that gives me so much anxiety, because I love the clan, and of course I love the boss... I don't know what I'll do without them... I know I was alone before, and perfectly fine, but after meeting the boss and the clan, I don't think I can go back to being by myself... I just wanna cry... And I know is a game... And I know it doesn't matter to many... But you just don't know what it means to me... It's no...

 I'm exhausted... I'm exhausted of being me... I'm exhausted of fighting with C over and over the same fucking things... I'm exhausted of discussing with bf about how I should not be nice to people that doesn't deserve it, about how I'm horrible when I get mad, about how my schedules don't matter but his do... I'm exhausted of my cat demanding that I pet her all the time... I'm exhausted of wanting attention and not getting any... I'm exhausted of needing to be heard... I'm exhausted of everything I do and think and feel and am... I'm exhausted of me... But I can't stop being me... Can I...?

 And then, the moment passes... I miss my chance... And then, after eating something, I realize the severity of those thoughts...  It's dangerous to be hungry It's dangerous to let my mind roam free while I haven't eaten when I'm supposed to... You'd think that would be enough to avoid doing something I'll regret, but it doesn't work like that... In the moment, nothing else exists Nothing else matters There is no escape There is no other choice If nothing stops the sea, it will drag me into it and swallow me whole... And I don't have the strength to get out of the crashing waves. I'm tired I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of feeling, I'm tired of thinking... And the ocean understands... It calls you to its violent embrace.  No empty promises. Just release...

 Lately, I've been looking at the knives in our kitchen. They seem welcoming. They seem understanding. They seem dangerous... What if I just...? I bet they would love to kiss and bite and drink... I bet they wouldn't care...

 I can't do anything right... No matter how much I try, no matter how much I do, everything I do is wrong...  And I'm just tired... What's the point?  I'm just a tool for everyone else to use as they see fit... As they need me... And I don't need needs... I haven't earned them because I'm useless and I don't do anything... And I'm tired... Don't say anything, it's wrong anyway. Don't feel anything. It's always wrong. Don't see, don't move, don't try, don't think. Everything you do is wrong anyway.

 And just to top it all off... Blood... And pain Great

 It turns out my only remaining cat can't live without me now... She decided to move into the bedroom with us and into the bed with me, and we let her because, otherwise, she'll just spend hours screaming bloody murder... Apparently, she misses her brother... She wakes me up at random times during the night for me to pet her, and won't stop meowing -well, more like squeaking- until I do... And she keeps scratching my blanket... Even worse, I've been sneezing a lot lately, and my eyes are kinda itchy... 

 Ok, now he finally said it. C said he likes me a little more than a close friend... And I'm honestly speechless... Ah... I don't think I've ever been told that before... Like... Why? How? When? What???? And I had to do something I have never done before... I had to reject him... I said I only saw him as a friend... He answered he was disappointed... That he thought our talks meant I felt the same but apparently he was the only one to think that...

 My cat died yesterday I always said he was annoying, whiny, way too loud, and such a fucking brat... I always told people to take him, always "trying" to give him away... But I was the one who took care of him. I was the one who spoiled him the most... And I was his favourite person, which was a horrible decision on his part... His sister hated him and yet, she seems to resent he is no longer here... And this morning, nobody woke us up demanding attention... Nobody yelled, nobody meowed... And every morning from now on will be like that...  Quiet...

 Now he finally said it... Kind of... C said he thought we were more than friends, because of what we have talked, because we knew each other well... I admitted I had no idea that he saw me that way... He mentioned the time he thought people was asking me if I was dating so they could date me in game... Like this would mean he asked me if I wanted to date him...? And also that he cannot forget what I said about having sexy pics... But I do not see him like that.  I truly don't want to date him in-game nor irl... I told him that I wanted to talk about all of this, but so far it hasn't happened...  In fact, he wants to know if I'm ok with him calling me "sweetie", or what other name I want him to call me... I reminded him that we haven't even talked about it but attention always gets deviated... And me having anxiety and a lot of trouble being alone right now, does not help... 

 Someone is still insisting/demanding I send him " sexy pics " because he is curious...  Kinda trying to manipulate me because he was having an anxiety attack (obviously, once he was starting to feel better)... Saying things like "Make me happy" "Your pic will make me happy", etc etc... Sheeesh... I won't sacrifice my intimacy for your mental well-being!!

 So... Bear with me... Imagine we had a discussion because I feel you're not doing enough or something, but in reality it's just because I didn't ask you to do something with me and you didn't tell me you wanted to do it...  And after you apologizing and telling me it won't happen again, I were to say: "I should be the one to apologize: I was expecting too much from you" Would you consider that an apology from me??? . . . . . . . Now I'm dizzy...

 Oh, for fuck's sake!!! Again with this guy!!! Ugh!!! But I'm to blame because I'm the stupid one!! Sheeeeeeeeeesh!!!!

 I wonder who's reading this... 

 So... C has a funny way of asking for things... Better word would be "demand", not "ask"... Anyway, he wanted me to share full body pics of me, for some reason... Well, actually, he swears he is curious... I refused, of course, because I told him I had no decent full-body pics... (Which I really don't, taking a full-body selfie is not easy...) And when I say not decent , I meant it... He said he wasn't asking for sexy pics, and I joked saying I only have that kind of full-body pics... Then he proceeded to demand to see them... Again, I refused He said I was just teasing him because I already told him they were sexy pics, and he was curious I refused. I told him they were exclusive. "Exclusive to who?" Excuse me? I was about to answer that they were exclusive to people I'm romantically involved with... And I almost joked about them being exclusive for those who pay... Maybe that was the answer he was looking for...? "Exclusive to me...

 I wanted to tell him what happened yesterday with the anxiety attack and C... But I just couldn't... I know for a fact that he would have gotten so mad and I would just have felt miserable... And who really wants to feel like that? So I just gave him a light retelling of the issue and how "a friend" helped me through it... And left out what "my friend" asked of me later...  I confided all that information to P earlier... He wasn't too happy either but he understood and offered some advice, which helped me feel better in the end... Ah... Being too trusting again... 

 So... I talked with him . I let him know what I was thinking about everything that has happened so far with us, making emphasis on the importance of honesty and confidentiality, and he seemed to understand. He swore he would never share anything going between us with anyone, gave me his word. He assured me he liked me, liked our talks, and all... He said it was erotic and kinda scary...  I still need to be cautious, I won't relax that aspect of me... But for the most part, I'm so  liking this...

 I went in-game and realized there was the message in wb channel that our friend had already left... It made me feel more miserable than I anticipated... And then, everything I had talked with my therapist came tumbling down on me...  It happened too fast, this new relationship... And what if I'm making a mistake in thinking he is truly sincere, when in reality he 's just telling me what he thinks I wanna hear? As uncertainty invaded me, along with the sadness, I began to have problems breathing and started crying...  Anxiety attack I didn't know who to turn to... I was alone in the house, and in game there where not many options...  C was there... And him ... But I couldn't gather the courage to contact him, with everything he 's going through... So I turned to C... C didn't quite understand what was my problem but he managed to calm me down... We have talked about having anxiety before, so it was not difficult for him to know that I needed help and kept talk...

One of my friends said his goodbyes... He said he is leaving the game and left our wb... I'm in shock... I feel a hole inside...  ------------- And, on top of that...  Could I be making a mistake, yet again? It makes sense that he is only telling me what I want to hear... Since I know he lied already with the whole " I wanted you since the beginning "...  I would absolutely hate being lied like that... Like I said, I don't care if you only want to play and sext, I'm completely ok with that, I don't need anything more from you, but the attention that you give... I don't need a relationship, your money, gifts or anything else... I like honesty, I like feeling sexy and desired... That's completely ok... But if he lies, I'll be so pissed, so fucking mad at him and myself... I won't be able to survive that kind of mistake... So what should I do now?  I'm starting to have an anxiety attack...

 Speaking of which...  The other day I was thinking I'm a proud daughter of Zeus... When I started to reject my family's religion, Catholic, back when I was around 11 years old, I wanted to stop using expressions that are commonly use by believers and non believers alike... I have read about the ancient Greek pantheon and I liked that mythology, and so I began to use Zeus instead of Jesus or their god. Thus, I started to say I believed in Zeus and whatnot... Later, when someone would ask me about my beliefs, I would tell them I was one of Zeus' daughters and that they should respect my religion as I respected theirs... I had forgotten mostly all of that until last week, when suddenly I became aware that, if in fact I were one of Zeus' daughters, I indeed inherited something from him... Like... In terms of sexual drive, I can tell that I am his daughter... I'm constantly in the mood , to put it in decent words... Every single day I want to have sex, sometimes several...

 Bleh... I think it's weird how my mood now depends on if they write to me or not, if someone pays attention to me or not... How did I managed before them...? Flippin' broken memory, remember!! How was it like before I started playing this game...? Feels like I played since forever and now I can't be if I don't get their attention... For Zeus' sake...

 Ooooh, somebody is lying in here!  I mean... Both say they wanted me in the group... But only one of them pretty much showed interest from the very beginning and throughout the entire process, and even till this day... and, in fact, he was the reason I joined... The other... Well, the other claims he was interested since the beginning but did not show me any signs after that... Until a few days ago... As lies go, I'm not completely complaining, buuuuuuuuut... What's the deal, then? Why would he say that? Like, I don't care if you took an interest yesterday, I love the attention anyway... Besides, he does not know what I know... So, haven't decided if I could trust him entirely... We'll see sooner than later, I hope...

 So... If you tell me you'll do something with me at an specific time and then you don't, I can't help but get mad... Because I have other things to do, you know? Or maybe not, but I haaaaaaaaaaaaate being stood up... Being let down... Sheeeeeeeeesh!! And then I wanted to get some sleep and my fucking brain just wouldn't shut the fuck up!!!  And it's so stupid and annoying!!! Why do I get mad for the smallest of reasons???  Ugh!!! I hate this