To the other side of somewhere

 I always feel like I'm useless, but lately I am even feeling that way in game... Today I finally decided to leave my clan and go solo for a while. I'm pretty sure they won't take it all that well, but I'm so tired, so fed up.  I tried talking to a friend about it and he didn't quite understand me. I am pretty sure he got mad... I just wanted him to get what I was saying and feeling, but... Well, I do understand how he must have been feeling too, though... But, I felt misunderstood and alone... And that made me feel worse, which in turn made me angry...  I had a heartfelt and honest statement about how I was just gonna take a break from the clan and stuff, but instead I just wrote on clan chat in game that I was leaving because I'm not contributing anything anymore, and thanked them... I also logged out of my discord... I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to feel that misunderstood and alone again...  I'm sorry, but I'm tired, and I feel...

 I always knew I outlived you a day too many...  Today is the day I am most inclined to think that way, because you left this day many many years ago...  You just... don't exist anymore...

 Great... My stomach hurts... They were just joking but the idea of another friend thinking "bad" of me really bothered me...  I'm a horrible person... I should just shut the fuck up...

 Most of the time I think I'm a horrible human being.... And that gets me so mad and sad at myself...  I'm inappropiate I can't make conversation I'm impatient I'm awkward... I'm anxious and depressed and stupid... And he is so sweet I actually feel bad he talks to me... Because I know he deserves better... They all deserve better... I'm sorry...

 So... Not only have we not stopped with the kinky talk, but we are also talking about cute and innocent stuff... Nothing too deep or serious or personal, but we are talking... And the fantasies... He definitely commits... In a hot and cute way... I don't even know how to explain it... It's fun and exciting and spontaneous... But, as always, it gives me a little anxiety to think about what he really wants out of this... And if I ask, maybe I'm taking things too seriously...? This is the part that actually I don't quite like... where I am supposed to ask because I want and need to know... Like, I know it's not a real or serious relationship, so I want to understand the rules of engagement, so to speak... Just so I know where I am standing...

My stomach hurts, and I feel like crying now...  I feel like it was all my fault and I feel bad. I feel guilty for allowing him to talk naughty and doing the same... I know he's married and has kids, and we are just talking, nothing else really happening... No pics, no nothing. And I like the attention...  I'm a horrible attention whore... I don't know what his situation is, and it should not matter either... I should get a grip and stop... And I kinda tried talking to him about it, and in the end, he low key told me it's my fault for allowing him... For enabling him... Of course I only told him a part of the situation, but that was enough for the blame to be mine...  Now I feel worse and just wanna cry and run away...

 Somebody mentioned the word and it triggered me... "I like harassing people". I very well know they didn't mean it like actual harassment but as joking around... it was a trigger anyway... I know I was being too sensitive because of what I'm writing, and it was like having an open wound and getting it touched by someone who didn't mean it... I spiraled bad, and had a minor anxiety attack...

 I just came to a sudden realization... If people don't need me, I feel useless. If I'm useless, then they have no reason to love me, or like me, or be with me... That's why I need them to need me... So I know they will not leave me... So I feel loved...

 You know what hurts now...? I remembered something T said to me when I was beginning to have problems with C... It was something so nice it instantly made me feel so cared for... And now... I'm nothing to him... This memory made me cry in silence...  Why did I have to remember that...?  My heart breaks everytime...

 So... Now he got mad for something I didn't do (which was, apparently, talk to him "not nice"...) It was, really, because I was playing and started laughing and making "I'm so offended" noises... He wanted to know what happened and I just told him "Oh, nothing, I was in battleground"... And that was it, he interpreted it as me being mad because I answered "bad"... But it's always the same thing: I'm the one that uses a tone que dislikes, and he gets mad despite the fact I didn't use a tone or anything. I immediately felt sick, of course, and my stomach feels not good... So I just left the room to go change clothes, so I could get out of his way because he was gonna give a class... Next thing I knew, he came into the living room to say "excuse me if I bother you when I talk to you", in his angriest voice. And he closed the door, which he despises doing... So, again, I'm the mean person... And I'm so tired of ...

 I think I just want people to like me... I desperately want that... Maybe because I didn't feel loved or wanted growing up, which made me think I didn't deserve to be loved... I still think there's nothing lovable in me... But I still need people to like me, and shower me with attention and care, even when I feel I'm deceiving them into doing it... I'm an attention whore, and a drama queen, and a complete nuisance So I try to fight that need, and try to isolate myself so I'm less of a burden to people... Because I don't deserve their love and attention, and they don't deserve to be bothered by me...

 Everytime I'm put, or rather, I encounter this type of situations and anxiety takes over, I just wanna kill myself... Like, it's my go to response because I feel useless and afraid of not being able to raise to the challenge... So I immediately wanna say "no"... Should I say "no"?

 I got to meet another family in game within another clan... It was great, despite me feeling a little out of place... I had a great time, and G is truly the best... I missed that kind of energy! But all good things must come to an end and my time was up...  Another little heartbreak when I pressed that button to leave... My stomach hurts... Now, back to the lonely house again...

I'm tired of looking for answers... Of wanting answers... If he wanted me still, he would have said something by now, right...? Besides, it's not like he had feelings for me... He just felt attraction, and now that's not the case anymore... He said it a couple of times: he was just using me... And now he doesn't need me... There were no promises, no plans, no future, no nothing...  And he's done with me... Doesn't matter why, or how or when or what... It was my fault anyway, because it was me who fell in love... I didn't realise until it was too late... He does not care... Not anymore... So I just have to stop writing, stop thinking about him, stop feeling... Stop

 At some point today, while ironing, I felt the sudden need to put the edge of the iron against my arm... It took all my mental strength to not do it... ... Am I too broken...?

 Is it ok to know...? To want to know why..? Why they chose me... Why they feel attracted...? Is it stupid to want to know? Is it ridiculous to ask...?

 What I think hurts the most is my love... It hurts how little it was worth for him, it hurts how much he hit it and stabbed it and made it bleed...  It hurts that my love got hurt... It hurts being left alone... It hurts It hurts... It .... hurts...

I thought I was out of the woods... But I'm not... I miss him... Not the person he turned out to be in the end but the person he was in the beginning...  And I'm aware I did so many things wrong but I think I learned... Or maybe not...  I feel so useless and alone and hurt and lost... I feel I don't deserve anything and that I'm just bringing down everyone with me... They will be better without me... I just have to disappear... Stop asking for help... Stop... Just stop... Just be quiet... Just be still... Fake, pretend, smile... Everything will be alright at some point... I just have to get past this... Just have to survive, but... Would it be worth it...?

 At first it felt good to start talking and flirting like that... But now my mind has regain some control and is asking if perhaps it's too soon to be doing this again... If maybe I'm acting like a whore...  My body likes it... But my mind is thinking I'm a liar, I'm a whore, I'm compromising myself again... Still, I'm enjoying... 

 The fact that nobody understands why I'm crying makes it hurt more... Nobody seems to understand that I truly love him and that ending things is breaking my heart... Worst thing is, it's all my fault anyway... I broke his heart and I broke mine and I'm supposed to be ok because it was my choice anyway... I should be ok because it was my decision to leave... I have no right to hurt, I have no right to ask for forgiveness, I have no right to be crying and I have no right to be comforted...  It was all my fault... From the very beginning it was all my fault... And I should just shut up and deal with the consequences...  I made this mess... I don't deserve anything... I'll cry when no one is around and pretend to be ok when there's someone... I'll cry in silence when necessary and evade questions and conversations...  I'll die in silence...

 I made a mistake.... Tell me I didn't make a mistake... Tell me I didn't just hurt someone who loved me truly... Tell me I deserve to be happy... Tell me I'm not a mistake... Please... Please... Just tell me and I'd believe you... Make me feel better although I don't deserve it... I don't deserve to be helped, to be happy, to live... But I'd believe you... I'd believe you because I can't go to the kitchen and grab the knife...  And I can't turn back time to unhurt him... Just, please... Tell me I didn't make a mistake...

 So, I forgot all about that stupid thing...  I really should kill myself... I'm useless... So fucking useless... And this anxiety is gonna kill me too... And, yes, it's all my fault...

 I wonder if my new friend would do the same as he did... Be super attentive and friendly and talkative while on the chase, but once he achieves what he wants, that would be the end of that... I wonder... Like a friend said to me: some men just enjoy the thrill of the hunt...

 Who would have thought a conversation, not even a flirty one, would have the power to end it all? Love is never enough...

 So, I think we finally reached the end... He can't trust me, and apparently after the screenshots, I gave him more reasons not to... And there can't be a relationship without trust, it's what I told him... So, for me, this is the end... There is no saving this... But... I'm pretty sure he won't end the relationship because he needs me... He doesn't love me, he just needs me until he gets back on his feet... He just needs me to feel less alone... So I guess it's up to me to either push him there or end it myself...  And I'll be one more of his evil exes, the liar, the cheater (because I'm pretty sure he will say I cheated on him, although I never ever did)... However, that won't be my problem anymore, and he can say whatever he wants to make himself feel better... Whatever let's him sleep at night, I guess... It's been a while since I knew we were never going to meet, since I knew we would break up before we could ever meet... Guess I, to...

 This is how little my love is worth... Manipulation, jealousy, blame... That's how little he priced my love for him... That's how much I'm worth for him... And I'm tired...

 I think I know what I need to stop... I need him to break my heart I need him to tell me he's done with me I need him to tell me he doesn't need me anymore Or want me Or love me... (Of course he doesn't love me, I don't know why I wrote that) If he does that, and if he means it, I know I would be free... I need that closure I need to know for sure that our thing is over and done, so I can stop idealising him... So I can stop going back to him... So I can stop this feelings... So I can stop waiting for him... So I can stop loving him... It's the least he can do for me now, right? So, break my heart and set me free...

 This is so stupid!!! I want to stop having feelings for him !! I can't keep this...  Why did I let myself fall in love with him? I knew it was not going anywhere... I knew he was just using me... And now he doesn't need me... He doesn't want me...  I want to keep crying until I can't cry no more... And let go of everything I feel for him...  If I leave... If I go... would these feelings fade? Would I stop crying...? I'm so stupid... Why did I fall in love with him...?

 I miss him ... And this is so stupid, because I know he doesn't care... And that breaks my heart... I was already sad and they started reminiscing about the old days, and I just felt useless and stupid and so lonely...  He doesn't need me anymore... He doesn't want me anymore... If only my heart could stop feeling something for him... I just wanna cry and cry... But I can't... Because he is here, and he told me to stop feeling sad for him ... So, I can't cry... I must not cry... This has to stop... Please...

 Every time something like this happens... When I make a mistake and hurt someone, I wish I was never born... I wish I had died before being born... How much happy my mom would have been without me, the disappointment, the useless one... She would be so happy with just my brothers, the ones she adores...  And they all would be better, wouldn't they?  He would have never felt the need to cheat, to have others besides me... J would have kept living his life in peace, without the burden of trying to love me and understand me... Fa would have been better without me... Maybe she would still be alive...? I wish I had died before I met them... Before I got the chance to hurt them over and over and over again... I wish they would be free of me... Of my burdens, of my stupidity, of my love... Of the burden of knowing me... I wish they would be free of the silly illusion that they need me, love me, want me, like me... Because they don't really... 

 I don't understand what's love anymore... For every person it means something different, and even when you think you and your significant other may feel similar, with time you realize you don't really understand... And I don't get it, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore...

 Sometimes I get the feeling that J gets mad or sad that I don't have toxic attitudes towards him...  And I don't get it... Is that something desirable? Is that something I should do...? Maybe I'm mistaken... I'm so confused... I suck at romance...

 I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore  I can't do this anymore!!!! So either you let me sleep when I need to, or you let me grab the scissors and cut the skin open so I can feel some sort of relief. 

 I knew from the beginning you were going to break my heart but I still stayed... I was right, of course...  But still I allowed myself to fall in love with you... And now I feel so alone... I have no one I can really talk about this... I can't show my tears to anyone, not even to J... This would hurt him, and I won't have it... And him ? He told me to stop feeling sad and crying about it... So, definitely not him ... I am drowning in the feeling...  And I know it will not kill me, but it hurts as if it would...  I feel rejected, stupid, abandoned, used...

 I listened to this song and just started crying...  https://youtube.com/watch?v=HhpUfSSSyfw&si=EnSIkaIECMiOmarE At the same time, I was sending something cute to him ... and I felt like I am doing everything wrong...

Why do people talk to me...? Why do they feel like they can just start sending private messages...? What is their intention? Their real purpose...? Because I want friends and they just stop writing suddenly and I just don't get it... Being a woman on an online game is just too difficult... I mean, if they could actually see me, they wouldn't pay any attention to me...

Can't help anyone... I try doing something for someone, while still paying attention to the other one... And I fail every time... I can't do anything... I can't be what they want me to be... What they need from me...  And I still can't cry...  Am I supposed to just nod and be quiet...? I am just an accesory... Right? They don't really need me... They don't really want me... They just feel like they do because I care... But I'm of no actual use to them... Just something for them to feel better...

 It feels like a raging sea at night It drags you and pulls your head underwater, tossing you around, spinning you uncontrollably There is no up or down anymore No light No sounds but that of the waves crashing and crushing against you... The ocean pulls you, embraces you, surrounds you, fills you... There is nothing else but it's immensity And you are just a single soul... Nothing but a grain of sand, of which the bottom has billions... And you are tired... And there is no escaping it... It hurts to fight it... And the ocean just wants you in it.. No one else... Maybe if you let it swallow you whole... Maybe you don't have to fight it, but let it take you... Maybe the ocean is just the answer

I think I'm broken I can't cry... I can't feel... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Am I dead...?

Do you know that feeling...? That feeling of being a total failure to your loved ones... And having to cry in silence, hiding, because they already asked you to stop being sad and stop crying... Do you know that feeling? Of crying without making a sound and hoping you could disappear, even for a little... Of having to pretend everything is alright because, what's the point...? Of feeling so useless... Of feeling tired of being useless... Of feeling tired of failing them time after time after time... Of being of absolutely no use to them... Of knowing for a certainty they would be better without you... Can I stop hurting them...? What happens when I cannot pretend anymore...? When the feelings drown me and bring me down to the bottom...? What then...? Will it stop hurting then...? Will I stop hurting them...?

 He told me he was not even worth my tears... But... What if I am the one not worth even  his attention...?

 What do you do when you realize you didn't mean that much to the person that meant, and still means, so much to you...?

 I can't even be strong for him... For no one... When they need me, I just falter... I can't really be there for no one...  And I keep sinking, without being able to help them, or myself...

 You know that desperation, I'm sure you're familiar... That desperation of not being able to help someone no matter what you do or say or try... The feeling of just telling them that the situation they are in just sucks and that you wish you could do something more for them... That you are there for them, knowing all well that you make absolutely no difference... And then, to top it all off, feeling like crap because you are not the one going through that situation and yet you feel bad...  You try to but you just don't understand because you have never been through something like that... You don't understand, so shut the fuck up... Completely useless I make no difference I am not enough for anyone I am not enough for me Why do I insist on keeping on living? Just because I want to...? Just because I like stories...? Sleep I'm so sleepy... My brain can't take it...  Just... sleep... Tomorrow it won't be better, possibly, but I can keep fucking it all up... Fo...

 It's bliss, having the volume up so high that I cannot hear my own thoughts... Real bliss

 So... My fabric scissors are sharp... I did not expect them to cut flesh, really... I'll just have to get away from them too, and not only from knives... What a stupid person I am, no doubt I did not apply any pressure, I was not trying to kill myself or anything... I was just curious all of a sudden... and just grabbed the scissors, opened the blades, and swiftly moved them over the skin on my arm, on a horizontal motion... I even was careful were to put the edge so it wouldn't be a problem in case I was wrong... Nothing happened. And then, it started to bleed a little. Just a flesh wound.  Just a flesh wound.  Nothing more. I did not apply any pressure because I was not trying to hurt myself, really... I was just curious... But I mentioned it to J and he lost it... He thought it was his fault because he said something during sex... And that made me cry because I felt like I was a dissapointment for him...  He thought that what he said pushed me to try and kill mys...

 I would  literally kill myself if this keeps going on... I can't keep anyone happy no matter what I do! Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!!

 I had this dream where because of a misunderstanding, someone was touching me... borderline sex abuse... And I didn't want other people to notice, because it was a misunderstanding, and I tried to get this person away from me without making it obvious and without making a fuss but I was not really accomplishing anything... He eventually went away and I was embarrassed and anxious but free... I think my brain is seriously interpreting my fear of conflict, and the situation with C, like this... Like sexual abuse... Anxiety rising...

 Why don't I just kill myself and be done with everything? I'm tired I'm so fucking tired I can't keep discussing and fighting with people I love and care about... I'm tired of feeling inadequate... I'm tired of feeling I'm the one that doesn't understand and can't do anything right... I can't do this... I'm done...

 My anxiety levels are through the roof right now... I don't think he should be with me, in all honesty.... I think J deserves better...  I told him I'll break it out with P but I feel I can't...  And this whole fucking mess is my fault... I didn't know things with J would reach this level... I should have never let it happen... Worst part is... I like J... Our connection is amazing...  But he would never be the most important one for me... He would never be my top priority... Bf is... And him. Always  him . And I know, in turn, I will never be his priority... I've always known... But I don't quite care... I don't know why... Our connection is the wildest there is, among each and every one of them. Sometimes, it's even more powerful than with bf.  I don't know if that's the infatuation talking... Am I really in love with him? I smile everytime I think about him... I'm plain stupid... And J deserves better... And P deserves different... And I...

 I fucked up... Again... Go figure... I should have told J about bf from the very beginning...  Instead, I waited and now, as usual, I made a mess of things... Why? Why didn't I tell him before? I didn't want this to end... But because of that, I hurt him... And it's all my fucking fault.... And now, I don't know how to fix it...

 I think I need to take a break from everyone...  I have to stop messing things up... I have to stop me from being myself... If I'm, in fact, infectious, I have to isolate myself, right? I don't want to hurt anyone...

 I'm mad Or anxious Or both And I don't even know why!! Which is way worse! I feel weird, or uncomfortable, or empty, or lost... Maybe I'm just feeling alone... Or maybe I just need to sleep...

 So... My friend J told me he understood why C fell for me... Apparently, my personality is infectious ... Doesn't that sound like I'm a disease or something?  I answered that and he apologized saying it was a poor choice of words, but that he meant I'm amazing and he gets why people would like me instantly...  We have some things in common, and yesterday we talked about being indecisive, overthinking and oversharing... We understood each other perfectly... He proceeded to let me know he was instantly attracted to my energy, and that he felt a connection to me... ... And now, someone else in the clan told me I was amazing too... I... I'm flattered but I don't want this... To makes matters worse, Ducky got really direct earlier and its kinda weird...  We kinda started sexting and... I don't quite like it... It was so out of the blue and fast... It's uncomfortable! I mean, we flirted, yeah, but it was nice and cute and innocent to a certain point! And now, it...

 I cried a lot after the meeting... For a moment, I even thought I was gonna throw up... that's how intense the crying was, how hurt I felt, how abandoned... The moment when I felt the most pain was when I was talking to J about what we discussed in the meeting and he told me he felt a connection with me...  I instantly remembered that the first person to tell me about   feeling an instant connection to me was  him ... What about that? Was that all talk? Is that not the case anymore? Doesn't it matter now?  I just couldn't manage... It just hurt so much... And I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe anymore...  I cannot do this anymore... Please... Please!! Come back to me! Please, be ok!! Please... Just, please... Don't leave me... Or... Please, just rip my heart out once and for all and be done with it... This wait is killing me! Just...  I just... I just can't... . . . . . . . I should disappear...

Our new clan boss called a meeting for today, and it kinda sounded ominous... Anxiety, immediately, took me What I want to know, more than anything, is if he  is coming back...  Two days ago I discovered I cannot message him anymore because we're not discord friends... I immediately started to cry... I allowed it for only a minute because I was not alone and I was certainly not in the mood for explanations... I've been trying to convince myself that he would not leave me like that, that he must be really busy and focused on his family... And for now, that's what has been keeping me from falling apart... I wonder if our new boss knows something more specific... As I constantly mentioned to some friends, if he is leaving the clan and/or the game, I'm out...  And I'm dreading that decision... I don't want to be alone again... But I refuse to stay if he won't be there anymore... And I refuse to join another place... I'll be heartbroken...

 Promises promises... What if what you envisioned is not what reality actually is...? How disappointed would you be...? Would you abandon ship...? Or would you work with what you have...?  Would you deny it, or would you adapt?

 Another fight with bf I'm tired Maybe we shouldn't be together anymore Maybe he'll be better without me Maybe I should just disappear I'm tired I just wanted for him to listen... But he doesn't want to anymore, and I get it... Maybe we're both tired... Maybe this is as far as we'd go... Maybe...