To the other side of somewhere

 I think I finally understood It's all an illusion Nothing is real They all just want me to sex them up, to make them feel wanted, desired, loved...? It's not me they want I'm just the medium The tool ... But to me, it was always more than that... It was a friendship, an opportunity, a long long distance relationship... Of course I'm the only one to blame, really... I'm the one that didn't understand I'm the one who didn't realize... The one who took it too seriously... ... And it's obvious, and embarrassing, and idiotic... I'm always two steps behind... I have always been this way... I just thought, for a moment, oh, I thought I  finally caught up to everyone else.... But no I'm mistaken again... I'm just too stupid to see, too stupid to understand... I'll never be able to catch up I'll never be able to be a proper funcional human being like everybody else...

 I don't know if it's because I'm a word/attention whore or if I'm feeling lonely or what, but I've been having a lot of flirty  interactions with a guy in-game... And he is SO funny!!  Our interactions are always so much fun, and kinky, we joke and play and everything is nice!  Except that, for some reason, C has been finding me while I'm in a group with him, and keeps trying to get into the party... Getting stalker vibes now! Since he unfriended me on discord and then left the clan, and I blocked him in-game... Well, he can't contact me anymore! So I guess trying to get into the group I'm in is the only way he could get a hold of me... Which is futile, really, because I won't be able to read anything he writes anyway, haha. Whatever he wants, Ducky has been really understanding of the situation and being sweet about everything... I really like him! Of course we just play together and flirt, there is nothing more... I'm not getting caught in ano...

After reading something online, I've become somewhat convinced that him is not telling me the truth...  And it's ok, really... I didn't want it to be that way, specially after telling him that I don't care for nothing but our sexting if that was all he wanted from me...  So, if after swearing he wanted more than that he is still trying to deceive me, fine.. I'll just have to thread carefully, or not at all... Sometimes I feel like I should end it before we get more entangled... But then, he writes and I like our interactions... However, I don't think he is as interested as he supposedly was in the beginning, and I'm disappointed... Maybe all my drama finally wore him out, and maybe I should had never agreed to our relationship, it's what my anxiety tells me... I should have waited patiently for him to be back to me, that's where my heart is really at... No matter what, it always feels as if I'm the only one committed, the only one that takes it...

 After what I told C just because I snapped, I felt so vulnerable... I should have never, NEVER, shared that with him... Specially with him! I wanted to hurt him, for him to feel weird and desperate and uncomfortable enough so he would stop talking to me... Apparently it had the opposite effect... He sent me a friend request again but I didn't want to accept it... Said we could perhaps be friends after all... But my anxiety after sharing something so personal was getting out of control... I finally had to tell bf... He was not happy, of course, and advised me to block him once and for all...  I convinced myself that that was the only choice, but I wanted to explain to C why I was saying goodbye... But when I was supposed to tell him, I just couldn't... And I just blocked him... Ah... I'm sorry...

 Oh, fuck... I made a mistake again just because I was mad... I told C about my childhood trauma... Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!

 C left the clan... I know we were never going to be friends again but... I don't know... I just never expected he'll leave... For me it was kind of a constant figure, first as a friend, and then as a clanmate... And now, nothing... I went in game because I was having a little anxiety attack and then found out about that...  It did not help... And now I feel more alone than before... I... I can't do this anymore...

 Everyone is leaving the clan... And I feel so sad and useless, because I can't really change anything and I wish we could go back to being the super active, social, fun and engaging clan we once where... But many have lost hope in that once other members started leaving, which got way worse when the boss stepped down due to irl issues... And I can't do anything... At this rate, I don't even know if we'll survive the holidays... I'll sink with the ship, of course, or leave the moment the boss decides to leave... Or quit... Even thinking about that gives me so much anxiety, because I love the clan, and of course I love the boss... I don't know what I'll do without them... I know I was alone before, and perfectly fine, but after meeting the boss and the clan, I don't think I can go back to being by myself... I just wanna cry... And I know is a game... And I know it doesn't matter to many... But you just don't know what it means to me... It's no...

 I'm exhausted... I'm exhausted of being me... I'm exhausted of fighting with C over and over the same fucking things... I'm exhausted of discussing with bf about how I should not be nice to people that doesn't deserve it, about how I'm horrible when I get mad, about how my schedules don't matter but his do... I'm exhausted of my cat demanding that I pet her all the time... I'm exhausted of wanting attention and not getting any... I'm exhausted of needing to be heard... I'm exhausted of everything I do and think and feel and am... I'm exhausted of me... But I can't stop being me... Can I...?

 And then, the moment passes... I miss my chance... And then, after eating something, I realize the severity of those thoughts...  It's dangerous to be hungry It's dangerous to let my mind roam free while I haven't eaten when I'm supposed to... You'd think that would be enough to avoid doing something I'll regret, but it doesn't work like that... In the moment, nothing else exists Nothing else matters There is no escape There is no other choice If nothing stops the sea, it will drag me into it and swallow me whole... And I don't have the strength to get out of the crashing waves. I'm tired I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of feeling, I'm tired of thinking... And the ocean understands... It calls you to its violent embrace.  No empty promises. Just release...

 Lately, I've been looking at the knives in our kitchen. They seem welcoming. They seem understanding. They seem dangerous... What if I just...? I bet they would love to kiss and bite and drink... I bet they wouldn't care...

 I can't do anything right... No matter how much I try, no matter how much I do, everything I do is wrong...  And I'm just tired... What's the point?  I'm just a tool for everyone else to use as they see fit... As they need me... And I don't need needs... I haven't earned them because I'm useless and I don't do anything... And I'm tired... Don't say anything, it's wrong anyway. Don't feel anything. It's always wrong. Don't see, don't move, don't try, don't think. Everything you do is wrong anyway.

 And just to top it all off... Blood... And pain Great

 It turns out my only remaining cat can't live without me now... She decided to move into the bedroom with us and into the bed with me, and we let her because, otherwise, she'll just spend hours screaming bloody murder... Apparently, she misses her brother... She wakes me up at random times during the night for me to pet her, and won't stop meowing -well, more like squeaking- until I do... And she keeps scratching my blanket... Even worse, I've been sneezing a lot lately, and my eyes are kinda itchy... 

 Ok, now he finally said it. C said he likes me a little more than a close friend... And I'm honestly speechless... Ah... I don't think I've ever been told that before... Like... Why? How? When? What???? And I had to do something I have never done before... I had to reject him... I said I only saw him as a friend... He answered he was disappointed... That he thought our talks meant I felt the same but apparently he was the only one to think that...

 My cat died yesterday I always said he was annoying, whiny, way too loud, and such a fucking brat... I always told people to take him, always "trying" to give him away... But I was the one who took care of him. I was the one who spoiled him the most... And I was his favourite person, which was a horrible decision on his part... His sister hated him and yet, she seems to resent he is no longer here... And this morning, nobody woke us up demanding attention... Nobody yelled, nobody meowed... And every morning from now on will be like that...  Quiet...

 Now he finally said it... Kind of... C said he thought we were more than friends, because of what we have talked, because we knew each other well... I admitted I had no idea that he saw me that way... He mentioned the time he thought people was asking me if I was dating so they could date me in game... Like this would mean he asked me if I wanted to date him...? And also that he cannot forget what I said about having sexy pics... But I do not see him like that.  I truly don't want to date him in-game nor irl... I told him that I wanted to talk about all of this, but so far it hasn't happened...  In fact, he wants to know if I'm ok with him calling me "sweetie", or what other name I want him to call me... I reminded him that we haven't even talked about it but attention always gets deviated... And me having anxiety and a lot of trouble being alone right now, does not help... 

 Someone is still insisting/demanding I send him " sexy pics " because he is curious...  Kinda trying to manipulate me because he was having an anxiety attack (obviously, once he was starting to feel better)... Saying things like "Make me happy" "Your pic will make me happy", etc etc... Sheeesh... I won't sacrifice my intimacy for your mental well-being!!

 So... Bear with me... Imagine we had a discussion because I feel you're not doing enough or something, but in reality it's just because I didn't ask you to do something with me and you didn't tell me you wanted to do it...  And after you apologizing and telling me it won't happen again, I were to say: "I should be the one to apologize: I was expecting too much from you" Would you consider that an apology from me??? . . . . . . . Now I'm dizzy...

 Oh, for fuck's sake!!! Again with this guy!!! Ugh!!! But I'm to blame because I'm the stupid one!! Sheeeeeeeeeesh!!!!

 I wonder who's reading this... 

 So... C has a funny way of asking for things... Better word would be "demand", not "ask"... Anyway, he wanted me to share full body pics of me, for some reason... Well, actually, he swears he is curious... I refused, of course, because I told him I had no decent full-body pics... (Which I really don't, taking a full-body selfie is not easy...) And when I say not decent , I meant it... He said he wasn't asking for sexy pics, and I joked saying I only have that kind of full-body pics... Then he proceeded to demand to see them... Again, I refused He said I was just teasing him because I already told him they were sexy pics, and he was curious I refused. I told him they were exclusive. "Exclusive to who?" Excuse me? I was about to answer that they were exclusive to people I'm romantically involved with... And I almost joked about them being exclusive for those who pay... Maybe that was the answer he was looking for...? "Exclusive to me...

 I wanted to tell him what happened yesterday with the anxiety attack and C... But I just couldn't... I know for a fact that he would have gotten so mad and I would just have felt miserable... And who really wants to feel like that? So I just gave him a light retelling of the issue and how "a friend" helped me through it... And left out what "my friend" asked of me later...  I confided all that information to P earlier... He wasn't too happy either but he understood and offered some advice, which helped me feel better in the end... Ah... Being too trusting again... 

 So... I talked with him . I let him know what I was thinking about everything that has happened so far with us, making emphasis on the importance of honesty and confidentiality, and he seemed to understand. He swore he would never share anything going between us with anyone, gave me his word. He assured me he liked me, liked our talks, and all... He said it was erotic and kinda scary...  I still need to be cautious, I won't relax that aspect of me... But for the most part, I'm so  liking this...

 I went in-game and realized there was the message in wb channel that our friend had already left... It made me feel more miserable than I anticipated... And then, everything I had talked with my therapist came tumbling down on me...  It happened too fast, this new relationship... And what if I'm making a mistake in thinking he is truly sincere, when in reality he 's just telling me what he thinks I wanna hear? As uncertainty invaded me, along with the sadness, I began to have problems breathing and started crying...  Anxiety attack I didn't know who to turn to... I was alone in the house, and in game there where not many options...  C was there... And him ... But I couldn't gather the courage to contact him, with everything he 's going through... So I turned to C... C didn't quite understand what was my problem but he managed to calm me down... We have talked about having anxiety before, so it was not difficult for him to know that I needed help and kept talk...

One of my friends said his goodbyes... He said he is leaving the game and left our wb... I'm in shock... I feel a hole inside...  ------------- And, on top of that...  Could I be making a mistake, yet again? It makes sense that he is only telling me what I want to hear... Since I know he lied already with the whole " I wanted you since the beginning "...  I would absolutely hate being lied like that... Like I said, I don't care if you only want to play and sext, I'm completely ok with that, I don't need anything more from you, but the attention that you give... I don't need a relationship, your money, gifts or anything else... I like honesty, I like feeling sexy and desired... That's completely ok... But if he lies, I'll be so pissed, so fucking mad at him and myself... I won't be able to survive that kind of mistake... So what should I do now?  I'm starting to have an anxiety attack...

 Speaking of which...  The other day I was thinking I'm a proud daughter of Zeus... When I started to reject my family's religion, Catholic, back when I was around 11 years old, I wanted to stop using expressions that are commonly use by believers and non believers alike... I have read about the ancient Greek pantheon and I liked that mythology, and so I began to use Zeus instead of Jesus or their god. Thus, I started to say I believed in Zeus and whatnot... Later, when someone would ask me about my beliefs, I would tell them I was one of Zeus' daughters and that they should respect my religion as I respected theirs... I had forgotten mostly all of that until last week, when suddenly I became aware that, if in fact I were one of Zeus' daughters, I indeed inherited something from him... Like... In terms of sexual drive, I can tell that I am his daughter... I'm constantly in the mood , to put it in decent words... Every single day I want to have sex, sometimes several...

 Bleh... I think it's weird how my mood now depends on if they write to me or not, if someone pays attention to me or not... How did I managed before them...? Flippin' broken memory, remember!! How was it like before I started playing this game...? Feels like I played since forever and now I can't be if I don't get their attention... For Zeus' sake...

 Ooooh, somebody is lying in here!  I mean... Both say they wanted me in the group... But only one of them pretty much showed interest from the very beginning and throughout the entire process, and even till this day... and, in fact, he was the reason I joined... The other... Well, the other claims he was interested since the beginning but did not show me any signs after that... Until a few days ago... As lies go, I'm not completely complaining, buuuuuuuuut... What's the deal, then? Why would he say that? Like, I don't care if you took an interest yesterday, I love the attention anyway... Besides, he does not know what I know... So, haven't decided if I could trust him entirely... We'll see sooner than later, I hope...

 So... If you tell me you'll do something with me at an specific time and then you don't, I can't help but get mad... Because I have other things to do, you know? Or maybe not, but I haaaaaaaaaaaaate being stood up... Being let down... Sheeeeeeeeesh!! And then I wanted to get some sleep and my fucking brain just wouldn't shut the fuck up!!!  And it's so stupid and annoying!!! Why do I get mad for the smallest of reasons???  Ugh!!! I hate this

 My own mind is killing me right now... How do I turn this off? I'm tired of thinking about him I'm tired of needing, of wanting his attention I'm tired of feeling rejected... I'm tired of feeling guilty I'm just so tired... And I just keep crying and crying I feel like an idiot, like an obsessed teenager in love, like a stupid girl... Please, turn it off...

 I realized it's all because of him... I feel like this because he hasn't written... He hasn't reach... And that breaks my heart to the point I cry and cry and cry... And every song I listen to, every song I love, reminds me of that fact...  That maybe he is done with me... That maybe he doesn't need me anymore... That maybe he's through, and I'm still there... He is, indeed, my undoing... And I'm still here...

 Ok, now it turns out I'm mistaken again... About the place I wanted to make friends in... It's a fucking game and I made the mistake of trying to use it to make friends...  I'm done I can't keep doing this I'm not looking for another place I'm done looking for friends Fuck it I just have to be normal and not care about that, about anything else... I give up That's enough I'll just be alone and stupid and sad Maybe I'll be able to focus on writing or something Maybe I'll finally be able to end it all But I'm pretty much done It's stupid, I'm stupid And I have had enough

 I was super moved today because I went and peeked on dc a little again today...  A girl from the clan sent me a message to wish me a happy Thanksgiving (which I do not celebrate because I'm Mexican living in Mexico, but I don't mind) and to tell me she missed me... Awwwwwwww, she's super nice!!! I cried a little when I read the message because it meant a lot to me... I answered her a few minutes ago, wishing her a happy Thanksgiving too, and explained that I'm taking a break due to depression, but that I wanted to keep that a secret from everyone else... And I also thanked her for writing, and of course I miss her too... I mean, we haven't had a proper conversation but she started to greet me whenever she saw me in-game and I started doing the same, because I know she is so nice and in dc she stated she's introvert to the max... Which I totally get, and that's why it means so much to me that she wrote <3  If you're not an introvert, you have no idea ...

 Also, this one... https://youtu.be/cRSqM-67EiE (And now I'm beginning to think I may be a fan of Bob Moses... Completely irrelevant to my current state of mind, but I ramble...)

 And then I paid attention to the lyrics of this song and it hit too close to home... Fuck! https://youtu.be/ny8Le5n8M9k

 I'm done No more This is stupid and I'm done No more asking for help I can manage I have to manage on my own If I can make no friends, if there is no one that cares, that's fine, then This is the only solution I was able to find, so I'm running with that Enough Everyone has a life to take care of, except me, and I was too stupid to see it But no more I'm done I'm pretty sure this is the wrong answer but I'm tired and I'm done Fuck it

 I peeked a little... And nothing Not one message... Which means I'm free... Right? No one cares... I shouldn't either... I just need to keep sleeping all day...

 A friend shared Tove lo' s   new album with me and I loved it... I'm obsessed with Suburbia, but the one that completely wrecked me was Grapefruit ... Haven't been able to stop crying...

 I'm tired... I'm tired of always being the one that reaches out to friends..  If I don't write to them, they don't write to me... And I'm tired... So so tired... So I'll just disappear for a while... Nobody cares, anyway...

 I just don't know how he does it, but he does! I was feeling so down three days ago, and was thinking of actually disappearing from my accounts for a while (game and discord) to take some distance... I managed to do it for like a day before I had to come running back for some activities...  Then, two days ago, while I was asking about another friend before disappearing again, he just told me such nice things about me being loved and respected in the clan... I just couldn't help to feel so moved but so confused at the same time...  Like, I cannot take a freaking compliment because I don't feel like I've had done anything to deserve praise... Yeah, quite broken inside, I know... So my -surely wrong- response was to laugh... I just laughed. Moronic, I know. But that's what I did. Hahaha. However, I'm pretty sure I blushed because I felt warm... 

 And again with the same fucking thing... Again I want to have friends and again there's no one... And I keep messing things up and I just don't know anymore... I spend a lot of time in game, but it's not like my reality is that much better... It's still me... And I can't stop being me... I want to be social... But I just can't. I can't make conversations, I can't seem to understand interaction...  I don't want this anymore. I can't... I can't keep doing this... I should just give up I'm tired I'm so tired... And I just don't understand... I should just stop.

 So, I finally talked to the boss, after my fight with C... Boss said it looks like C is lacking in communication skills and not trying to manipulate me...  And I get it, but still... I shouldn't have said something to the boss in the first place, this was a personal matter and should not have involved him, to begin with... And for a couple of days, I was so sure C would never talk to me again because men and their egos. And the prospect of him never speaking to me again was delightful, to be honest. And now C is talking to me again... "Are we cool?", He asked. And I just replied "Sure". To which he proceeded to say "Ok, honey... Jokes"...  But I got busy talking to G, who's so much fun!! So, because I did not answer for a while, C thought I had gotten mad for the way he called me.. and I was like "Pfff, no, I was talking to my friend". And we talked a little... Like nothing had happened... Which I like and don't... Like I always joke...

 I was asked why do I keep talking to C... And I don't quite know the answer to that... Part of me gets it and the other part doesn't... It's the attention that I like He began kinda insulting me and then called me "cute"... Negging much?  And without me knowing, I was trapped. I began craving his attention and his approval, like a stupid little girl... Worst is, he still does it... He keeps treating me like I don't know anything, throws a compliment here and there, then says or asks something kinda weird or stalky... No... The worst thing is I just didn't realize I was trapped. I just gave him some power over me nobody should really have...  And it's infuriating and sad and maddening!  And just as I'm convinced I should stop talking to him, out him to the boss, and get it over with, he says something nice and messes with my head and resolution... I keep doubting myself, keep making excuses like "it's just the way he talks, he's not re...

 I'm beginning to understand how this works... And it's kinda weird, kinda frustrating, kinda simple... And I'm not sure if I like it or not... I mean, there's way too many things I still don't get about the gaming community, and it's social interactions...  Like... Dating in-game...  And that got me thinking... I already know I'm just a fantasy for him, but... Is that all? Is like game-dating? Or more like game-fcking?  And what about the other people? My friends and the guys that keep trying to get my attention?  Is it all an illusion? Am I making a huuuuuuge mistake...? Again...? I don't know if I'm making much sense, I can't get my ideas straight, maybe it has to do with the fact that my head hurts, I may have caused a misunderstanding for someone and I'm hungry...  Gods, I should really get a grip on my temper, sheeesh... But I do hope I'm just exaggerating and there is not really a misunderstanding, but all in my head...  Oh, dear B...

 Zeus... My head hurts and I got mad at a friend... And may have caused a misunderstanding because of that... Sheesh... I'm horrible...

 Maybe the problem is I have to much "free" time... ?

 I woke up from a nap, feeling like he was only a dream I had... Which is a little sad But I also know we won't meet, despite every fantasy I ever had about him... We won't meet... Ever... And part of me wishes we could really do everything we have talked about... And the other part of me is grateful that he would never see me as I really am, with my belly, with all this fat I've learned to hate over the years... Do I have to let him go...? Do I have to accept that...? Also, nobody has written to me in a while... Which makes me feel all alone again...  Does it have to be me the one that always write? The one that tries to reach... The one that tries to make talk, even though I am the least apt for that...? Would I ever be a proper social person...?

 She used that word and it broke me... Yes You were my soulmate I always knew it People knew it And it broke my heart Because you don't exist anymore... And I can't stand it

 Lately, I feel so lost without you... You, of all people, would have understood everything... You, of all people, would have told me what I needed to hear... Or what I wanted... Or both... This would have been so much fun with you Every conversation, every screenshot you, and you alone, would have read... You would have laughed at my stupidity, at my failed attempts to seduce my new crush... And the old crush... And now I have no one to talk about everything... And it hurts so much I feel I should have followed you when you left... And then I remember you weren't happy... I remember why you went back home... And that hurts... But I still believe I would be so much better with you by my side... Everything would be so much better... And I am lost now...

 Apparently, I woke up with the foulest of moods... But then I realized I did not... I only got mad because he hasn't written...  And, again, I got to thinking that maybe he thinks I'm stupid because I asked him what had happened... Or that I've become only his whore, for him to use whenever he feels like it... and nothing more... Fuck My mind is a mess...  Worst part is, I don't know what to do... Again...  Perhaps I should just disappear for a while...

 He hasn't been on lately He had not answered and I'm getting worried... Is it because of what I said, or is it for something totally unrelated? Is it because I remained him of his late friend...? If that would be the case, I definitely feel somewhat responsible, which hurts...

 I... I think the subject may had hurt him... And for that, I'm deeply sorry. But I am glad I told him, because he helped.

 What to do once you finally decided to die?  How do you tell someone you care about that you want to be dead soon? How do you prepare them? How do you make them understand it's not their fault?

 You all lied... You don't care I'm not important to you You won't listen to me whenever I feel like it... I knew it but... I dared to believe it for a moment... You even denied me nice words, and sympathy... I keep making the same mistakes of trusting people... I should be preparing for my departure soon

 While washing the dishes, I saw three knives, serrated blade, regular table top... And I got to thinking... Would it hurt for a long time? I grabbed one of them and put it against my wrist.  Maybe I could make it look like an accident... It just stayed there. I didn't move... I tried cutting but I also didn't apply enough force. It did not sink in the flesh.  It did not cut... I gave up. I just finished washing everything...

 I do remember something from my childhood... I remember once I faked falling down the first flight of stairs at my grandmother's house, and just laid in there for a long time. I was around 10 years old. No one came No one noticed I wonder... Was there when I finally understood that I was alone? That no one would ever help me, no matter how much I wanted to be helped.. ? Today, in my mind, I'm again in that flight of stairs, but now I'm done faking... And I'm done wanting to be helped...

 I feel so lonely right now... So isolated... I can't talk about these things to anyone and it makes me feel unimportant...  Like maybe I can take advantage of no one paying attention and be done with it...

 He answered "keep it simple"... I'm still debating if I should tell him that it would be oh so simple!, that I just need a knife, running water, and a quiet place... But that would worsen the situation, wouldn't it?  I shouldn't have written to him, really... This is not supposed to be the relationship he wants and I knew it, but still had to do it.. My fault. I'll just erase the message and blame it on the lack of sleep... (Or maybe he did understand and is condoning suicide...? Wouldn't that be something...? No use on thinking about it now, I erased the message already so I can't ask him)

 In part, I'm glad he didn't understand I was talking about suicide... Like, bless your soul, or whatever they say in situations like this... On the other hand... I felt a little twinge of disappointment with this answer...  No matter.  I said what I wanted.   This is my burden and mine alone, anyway.

 So... The key point in my plan is to avoid hurting other people. Specially people that care about me... Everytime I think what I would do and how, I also think of the people that would be deeply hurt by me doing it: Bf... my parents, my brothers... My bff, a couple of other friends... Him, maybe (although he would have no way of finding out, really, I'll just be gone the same way I came into his life). And then, the moment passes and I can breathe again. But... What if I were to splendidly fuck up every one of those relationships, on purpose, so I can be free to carry out my plans without feeling guilty anymore? Of course my family would be devastated, but they would be fine eventually, won't they?  And the others... Well, if I did everything right and ruined those relationships correctly, they would only think about me for a moment and be done... Not a perfect plan, but it could work...

 Come morning, I can't keep sleeping past 6:00 o'clock... This past week has been like that... Which sucks, because I love sleeping. And it has nothing to do with him, and everything with everything.  I wake up and immediately start analyzing the dream I just had, what I said the previous day/week/month, what I have to do, what's the best course of action, if I should plan a new way of suicide...  And once my mind is that awake, I can't go back to sleep... I think I've been getting around 6 hours of rest each day... Which, again, sucks... 

 Why does it feel like everything I say is wrong??? I'm not cut out to be in society... I'm not saying anything anymore... It'd be best if I just remain at the bottom, where I belong...

 And now bf is mad at me too... So, yeah, winning at all fronts... I should have killed myself when I had the chance...

 I really thought... I am just an idiot... I can't do this I just can't...

 I was sure he was gonna write tonight... How mistaken I was... I hate this!!! Just break it up, already!

 It's the wait that's killing me... Like I can't breathe until he tells me if we're out of the woods yet or we'd better part ways... Just break my heart already or hold it, so I can know what to do next... But it's the wait I can't stand... Just like the silence...

 First time I'm awake... knowing all to well that he hasn't written...  I just can't sleep anymore... Can't fake I didn't know from the beginning, just have to go down a little further from this post and find the one that says "My new crush could be my undoing..." I'm still hurting... but I'm not in crisis anymore... 

 Does it hurt this bad only because I refuse to give him up ..? Because I just don't want it to end...? Because I think that if I punish myself, I can be forgiven...? I need help... But I don't know who to ask for it...

 Please Please Make it stop I beg you Make it stop Please!! I can't take it anymore...

 I just realized... I'm not looking for an answer... I'm just looking for the pain to destroy me... Because when I was confronted with the question, I didn't have anything to say... I don't know what to do... I'm broken and lost and in pain... I don't know what to do to stop so I just want it to kill me... I belong in the darkness...

 Maybe I should let this pain kill me and be done with it... Wouldn't that be something...?

 What if this is all I am...? This broken, this rotten...? This person that only knows how to break things...? What if this is who I truly am...? What then?

 I think my own rage against myself helped me write the ritual scene... And it made me realize something... I thought I was her... But it turns out, I'm M, fucking it all up... No I'm worst He believed he was protecting her from her own power, he did it because it was the right thing to do for her and the world... What I did was just because I couldn't keep quiet...  What I broke was only because I failed at being a human... I deserve this pain because I hurt him...

 Loud music hurts me... But it also prevents me from thinking... And that's exactly what I need right now... Pain... And the inability to think...

 He told me he's going away for a while... So I really fucked things up... He just said "No"... But I know what I did...  And then I forgot how to breath. And then I started crying like I haven't cried in a very very long time. Anxiety took a hold on me and would not let go... Now I cannot sleep...

 I forgot how to breathe...

 Can I really have something good on my hands and not break it...? Do I have what it takes not to ruin every nice thing that happens to me...? Am I unable to stop...? Am I unable of not destroying everything...? Why do I have to smother it...? I feel that I can't breath... I could end up destroying the sand castle I've built... And when the tide comes, as it always does, it will wash away the pieces and carry me with it... To the bottom... To the darkness... To nothingness... Where I belong...

 Radio silence... What if I truly hurt him...?  Will he forgive me...? Will he ask me to go...? Will we be able to keep doing whatever is it that we're doing...? I just don't know, and the wait is killing me...

 And suddenly, just like that, he writes again.... And I'm alive again... He got me wrapped around his fingers, and most of the time I don't mind relinquishing control to him...  I can fake not being in control I can make it seem like I'm completely submitted to his will, while I know I am in control of the situation, of myself... And then, like a thunder striking, I saw... I saw I had lost... By trying to keep him interested, I betrayed my own will... And I didn't realize it until it was too late... I lost at my own game. By trying to seduce him, I ended up giving him everything I swore to myself I wouldn't do unless I got something of the same value in return... The worst part wasn't even that. The worst part is that I didn't keep quiet. Of course I had to make a mess of things even more by telling him I was mad at myself for that. Why didn't I just shut up and keep it to myself? Troy caught fire again, no surprises there.

 It's always the same... One day, a lot of words... The next, nothing... Then the next, nothing... Nothing... Nothing... Nothing...

 When he doesn't write, I go and re read our past conversations... Am I lame or what...?

 Now that I've calmed down a little, I think I may had been a little too dramatic... If I keep acting like a spoiled brat, they'll end up getting fed up and leaving me... On the other hand... I don't know, at least I didn't insult anyone, so that has to count for something, right...? Oh, Bastet, why am I like this? It's stupid and embarrassing and completely stupid!!!

Also... I am NOT adorable!!!  Come f*cking on!!!

I got mad... Yes, again... And then, I was scolded... Sort of... So I got even madder... When the opportunity came, I just took it and ignored everyone else... They kept sending me messages and I just ignored every one last of them. No need to get nasty at people just because I cannot control my sudden humour shifts... Didn't take my painkillers... So I may be getting into my usual selfdestruct spyral... On another note... Painkillers are analgesics, right? They do not refer to drugs for mental health... right? Because last time I was talking about painkillers, some people were kind of concerned about my mental state and health, so that was seriously confusing... Or maybe they just thought I was mentally unstable because of what I said...  Whatever it was, I was told to thank and ignore, so I did... But I keep thinking about that weird interaction...  Still, gotta move on or I'll reach a point I don't want to be in right now...

 Nothing like waking up in a pool of your own blood... That may be an exaggeration, but still, you get what I'm saying, I believe... Moments likes this are the ones that make me hate being a woman...

 Like... I know... I know he's right I knew it... Just didn't want to rationalize it... Or maybe the thing that bothers me the most is that I didn't know it. And it fucking hurts Hurts like hell... Because that makes complete sense I'm not special He just needed someone... Anyone would have made it But for me, it was only him... And I hate me for it It didn't add up that he "liked" me  But now it makes sense... Of course I'm not the only one Again Again Again Again I'm never the only one What I'm asking for is just an illusion It's just impossible People don't work like that But it's my own fault for believing I could be... It's my own fault for lacking the basic knowledge of human interaction I know I should have known from the beginning I fucking hate myself for that I'm always my worst enemy But I always try to hide it I fucking hate myself for this And I have to pretend like I knew, I have to pretend that I'm ok with...

 I mean, it's none of my business, but I wonder...  Does he have... a harem? It may only well be just my imagination... But, yeah, I'm jealous... I always want to be the only one I always want to feel special... Even if I know I'm not... I should just stop... It's fun... But it's also kind of hurting me too...

 I have killed myself more times than I can count... And every time I do it, I wonder... Would it work in reality?  Would it hurt like it hurts in my mind...?

 I know he was just kidding but... It kinda made me feel like I definitely don't belong...

 Is this a dangerous game I'm playing...? And, if so... How dangerous is it?

 Would you replace your current obsession with a past one?  With an obsession you already put, somewhat, behind you? I don't know if I am being offered that but it felt like that and I was just wondering...

How did I let myself do this? I'm spinning out of control, and I have nothing to break the fall... There's no up or down... Am I incapable of controlling myself...? Am I incapable of shutting this off...? I can't do this all over again... I should have surrendered to the darkness when I had the opportunity... This is stupid Just stop

 My new crush could be my undoing...  And I'm crushing hard... There are no promises, there is no indication of anything more than friendship... There is really nothing there... Yet I long for his words...  When morning comes, I cannot keep sleeping, I just want to talk to him... I feel I just trapped myself again... He is kind, silly, nice, like sugar... And I'm trapped... And when he does not answer, I feel lost... This obsession... How long will it take to disappear...? Do I even want it to disappear...? There is nothing there... Yet I long for him... I long for his attention... I'm addicted to his sugar... I long for that emptiness... I should stop... I know I have to stop... Why can't I stop?